This Time? Hell No
by shadowtheo
Summary: Cas comes back, and nothing's okay. The angel's damaged, and Dean's trying to fix what was broken, if he can. But what with trying to get a hunt done, Castiel being incapacitated, neither of them being normal balanced individuals, and Sam being unsure what the hell's going on, they could do with some luck. Maybe they'll come to realise that friendship is something they deserve.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Cas comes back, and nothing's okay. But Dean's grown up, Sam has too, and it's making him realise that some things are impossible to ignore for a reason. He and Cas were friends. Always have been really. And Dean's decided the universe can go molest itself because he wants to keep this one thing. Maybe Cas will help him see he deserves it too.

**Warning:** Spoilers up to 802. Some swearing. Angst?

**A/N:** I wrote this because the end of 802 actually broke me. I spent the day with that image of Cas' face in my mind and I couldn't. This is so I can sleep till next week.

**This Time? Hell no.**

Rufus' cabin was pretty grim for a safe house. True, they'd spent a lot of time there, and in Dean's year of absence Sam had even tried to moderately improve the place whilst working on the Impala. There was now a TV, well-working fridge. Not too mouldy beds and a decent sofa and running water supply. Still, it was far from standard digs.

Not that Dean had ever been particularly inclined to care, and even less so now. A safe house was designed to be just that: safe. Whether or not it would survive a healthy living test was not the issue.

Besides, he'd stayed in a fair few motels that wouldn't pass either.

So, 'home' was 'home'. What with this whole Pluto mess, Kevin disappearing, and Crowley being as big a dick as ever, Dean was just glad to be getting some actual _rest_.

So, of course, that's when things got even worse.

"Man, I'm beat." Sam trudged past to push open the door, looking decidedly underwhelmed.

"Yeah, welcome back to '_home_'." Dean just shrugged and shouldered past into the gloom.

"Hey, if its got two beds and a beer, that's all I need." Sam scoffed, one of those 'Oh My Life' moments tinged with amusement at the simple truth Dean spoke. But then next to him froze.

Like, _froze_. Eyes wide, mouth gaping and looking like he had seen a ghost.

"_Cas_?" Dean's blood ran cold. He was brushed by when Sam rebooted and lunged towards the living room. Spinning around quickly, the elder brother's pulse raced with impossibility and 'yes/no' conflicting fright.

Sam was dashing to stand in front of the one and only creature that wore a trench coat quite like that. Standing still, just a few feet from the corner of their run down cabin's 'living room'.

Cas was back.

"Hey, man! Are you okay? Is it really you? What happened?" Slow blue eyes rose to Sam's face from the blank stare his stomach had been receiving. The angel looked only just there. Filthy, still, and haggard beyond understanding.

Still lost.

Still alive.

And…fuck. Dean was so completely screwed.

"I, I thought you were dead man." Sam murmured, voice low and chocked, Castiel simply regarded him, eyes stunted and distant, reality-less.

"Hello Sam." Sammy breathed out a relieved laugh and went to hug the angel. Castiel stepped back a single slow step, head turning away. To the wrong side. His eyes lit on Dean's shins and froze.

Dean stopped breathing, but his heart thumped and pounded. Slowly those eyes slid up him in a seamless movement, reached his own, locked. There was enough of a charged moment for the angel to see it was really him. For an impossible moment, he thought the gaze would stay, like normal. But Cas' eyes just turned, retreated. He looked away and fixed a gaze somewhere around Sam's left shoulder.

The older hunter could feel his brother's eyes flicking between them, relief and joy sinking like a punctured balloon. Tension coiled through the air, emanating from the set shoulders of Castiel, his clenching fists.

Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck_.

"I'm ah…gonna go get the bags out the trunk." Sam announced, awkward and unsure, his eyes tried to catch Dean's own, but no way was he letting that happen.

Once the calmest presence had left the room, the silence swiftly became needle sharp and unbearable, twisting in his gut like anxious snakes. With a gulp, Dean braced himself to move…maybe it wouldn't be that bad-

"You, left, me." Accusation. Growling though low, quiet, almost soft. Condemnation pressed down through the already suffocating air, constricting his chest.

And it was true. Too true. Dean had left Cas. Abandoned him in a way so final it seemed to rip apart the foundations of their convoluted existence.

Why? Because it had been _'necessary'_, because Cas had no longer been helpful or needed...because it had been easy. And if Cas' helpless pleading, vulnerable and not really believing he wasn't going to come back, wasn't going to help, desperation in those soul-crushing blue eyes still haunted his memories and dreams… It wasn't enough, hardly enough. Not until now.

Purgatory had _not_ been okay. He couldn't lie when it wasn't buried. What he had become in there was pure necessity; morals and pride favoured him little in that land.

But now… Now it was there, in front of him, and it was hurt. Blue eyes swung to him, burning in their numb betrayal and fury, stabbed. Dean started forwards on automatic, nearly an explanation on his tongue, or plea, or greeting.

"Cas-" His eyes shuttered, glazed over and looked down and away, stepping back. Pain locked back inside, too much. Dean stepped forwards on automatic, hands reaching to calm on stuttering, nearly-repressed instinct. But Cas pulled away from him again, leaving them several feet apart.

"It doesn't matter, really…just…" Dean's heart was racing, thumping in his throat. And he felt scared, though of what he wasn't sure. Cas' voice was a monotone, too nearly emotionless. "…It was cruel. To let me feel friendship, only to have it ripped out." Stabs and twists from his stomach to heart, Dean's eyes frowned, desperate for something. Drowning in blemishes.

"…No, I…" But what did he say? That had never been his intention? It didn't make it okay. That he'd do it again in the same situation? There was no excuse for salvation in that, no justified pride. That he was sorry? By his own words that wasn't good enough. That figuring it was over, he hadn't thought about it as much as he should?

He wasn't the same anymore, neither of them were. Doesn't change the fact that Dean left Cas there. That he'd broken a vow. That he'd then come home and lied.

Maybe _nothing_ could ever change that.

Even if the wracking of remorse and guilt now stirred his frame forwards.

"…Guys?" Cas stepped back again, now backed into the corner, eyes on the skirting board and not moving. Sam dropped the bags. "Everything okay…?"

Cas' face was broken. Numb.

"I should go." Dean's heart clenched, but he did nothing, Sam shifted. Cas lurched forwards, slumped in step and swaying to a stop with glazed eyes just fluttering.

"Woah! Woah woah. Hey, I think you should stay with us." Sam cut in, hurrying to move in front of the angel, hands raised to pause.

"No, I-" Sam grabbed Cas' shoulders, hands clenched at the slurring voice.

"Cas, seriously. Sit down okay?" Maybe because it was Sam, maybe because he was about to collapse, maybe because he had nothing else left to give; Cas relented with a lurching nod.

He staggered forwards to a rickety chair by a wooden table and sat; still staring at nothing, mouth slightly parted.

Sam glared at Dean. His next voice was meant for only his brother to hear, tight and tense with suspicion.

"Do we need to talk about this?" Dean blanched. He just couldn't. Instead he rubbed a hand over his face and couldn't fight a groan.

"_Bastard._" The hunter only just heard Sam's whisper. He turned to his brother, irked and already strung out.

"What you say?" The look he got for _that_ tone was pure ice.

"If Kevin was my responsibility, Cas was yours."

A pointed silence filled the room before Sam turned away.

Because fuck, he was right. And Dean knew it. And until now, faced with the reality of his ruminating guilt, he just didn't want this mess any more. Sam moved to crouch in front of Cas, trying to sway those blank eyes.

"Cas, you okay? Do you need anything?" There was a long pause before a hoarse reply.

"…No."

"…Okay, well, just, sit tight then." There was no reply; Cas was still mono-tonal and staring. Sam hitched back to his feet and shot Dean one last disappointed gaze.

Not disgusted, not surprised. Just disappointment. And it rolled in his gut till it hurt.

Sam left the room for the kitchen, and after a while staring not at Cas, yet hyper aware of him, Dean followed with a long breath out.

Later, after a couple of drinks, Cas hadn't moved. Sam bent into the fridge to grab another beer and Dean braved the danger of the situation, of _trying_. He couldn't fight or stand the tension in the room, not to mention his own body and mind.

"What do you want me to do?" The words came out roughly strained, and he fiddled with the bottle label. Sam paused, looking over at him.

"Just…the right thing." Like it was obvious, simple. Sam shrugged a bit helplessly. "Look, I don't know what happened down there, hey, it's none of my business… But Cas _is_. He's my friend. He at least used to be _our_ friend. He's got no way out, not like Kevin; he's as wrapped up in our lives as we are, with the scars to prove it. So… treat him like you should. I don't care what you think of yourself Dean; you can be a really good human being. And I think…if you let this go, you'll loose that… and, who wins from that anyway?"

There was a pause. Dean let the worse seep from the air into his brain, slowly.

"I think you owe it to yourself to try."

Sam's tone was calm, providing an opinion, another option with a shrug of 'no big deal'.

Because maybe it wasn't… He liked Cas. They'd both screwed up. They were both back here.

His brother offered one last frown before leaving, going to slump down by the TV on the sofa near Cas. Probably not just to sleep.

By the time Dean had finished another beer, and Sam was watching some random sports game, he figured he might have worked it out a bit. Teased apart some of the knotted strands in the fabric of his mind.

Simple thing was, he liked Cas being around, they had been friends. They had been friends for a long time. Despite the screw-ups, and by now they had become almost ridiculously fundamental... And Dean had had enough. He didn't like fighting with Cas, or being like this. He didn't want to give up this thing, or loose it, whatever.

…Fail.

He didn't want to say he hadn't tried either.

They kept colliding anyway whatever forced them apart. And always they sorted it out somehow, whether words were exchanged or not.

Dean had often wondered how they were able to manage it. Why they were friends, because Cas could never be anything else to him, no matter what had happened, that was mutual…although now, well…this was a pretty big limit. And this time he was the one who pushed it to there.

But, dammit, the angel was impossible to ignore. Cas made him laugh too damn much, and they got along too damn well. Dean didn't _want_ to loose Cas as a friend. That was fair enough right? He had grown up, he and Sam both had. And at the very least to leave things on such bad terms with the angel made his gut twist. They were friends. That was normal; that was human. It _should_ be _okay_. He may not be 'allowed normal' with this life, but he at least deserved that. The same way Sam deserved Jess, or the girl he'd spent the last year with and couldn't bear to mention.

Maybe this was one wrong too many thrust upon the two of them by each other, straining the tenuous but resilient camaraderie… Dean didn't know if he could 'fix it' like he'd told Cas to a year and a bit ago. But it was Cas; he'd always try, because there was no doubt the angel had. Dammit he couldn't excuse purgatory, but he couldn't change it either. Cas had _always_ tried. They _both_ had. Dean was sick of being pawned around by his fucked up life. Him, Sam, Cas…

Enough is enough. He wanted Sam, wanted him happy, and he wanted his damn friend, that _one_ thing! That was _not_ too much to ask.

No miracles were about to be performed, or tears cried… But _decent_, Dean reckoned, wasn't too much stretch after it all. It was barely a price, so small it seemed to pay.

He wasn't, didn't want to be that child any more. Whatever else he was tired of that. He had grown up… Maybe he could use it in the right way.

Would he roll over and take another personal beating? When Cas had offered him the smallest slip of a wake up by even coming back here, let alone escaping, the answer was just simple: **Hell. No.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** So…I don't mean to rant... But I will! :D (I don't get to do this anywhere else, I need friends that watch the show!)

Some people like to see the clip from the end of 802 and believe it was Benny Cas was grabbing onto, and he was just calling for help. But, I disagree, that last call of 'Dean' was disbelieving question and plead. Calling _at_ someone to stop something sounds different than _for_ someone.

I could be completely wrong though! But that was my thought… I also don't believe in the absolution of Dean's innocence. If Cas can fuck up, so can Dean, he isn't a saint, and he should learn that he hurts people.

So far this season, love Dean though I do, he's being a dick! (Especially to poor love-struck Sam!) I think with the character he's been given this season; oh, he definitely left Cas.

Annnd, rant over!

**Chapter 2:**

Dean may have reached a decisive state, but he still couldn't get to sleep. He and Sam watched mindless TV, and talked little. Both Winchesters were deep in thought, and the silence a comfortable blanket about the room. Dean had a sneaking suspicion his brother was brooding over whatever happened during their year away.

Sam held a certain stillness about him now, nothing like Cas' particular brand of rigidity of course, but a slight settling into the bones. His little brother was comfortable in his skin, if not his life. The time recently spent behind his picket fence appeared to have been as eye opening as Dean's in purgatory.

If he'd been a year younger, Dean might have pried. As it was, he was content to sit and share the silence.

Neither of them could completely relax anyway, because Cas was still staring at the wall. Every now and then Dean's eyes drifted over to make sure he was blinking.

It was one in the morning, a soft drink ad playing that reminded him vaguely of Gabriel for some reason, when Sam jumped next to him, staring over Dean's shoulder with a stare.

"Jesus."

The elder whipped around as a loud thud shattered the silence. Cas had passed out face first onto the table. He shared a look with Sam before they both jumped up and hurried over. Cas was breathing smoothly, his eyes were closed, and he didn't react to snapping fingers.

"Well, that's a new one." Dean commented as they stood back. Sam glanced at him.

"You…think he's hurt?" The query was broached carefully, cautious of garnering a prickly reaction. Dean snorted.

"I don't doubt it." Sam frowned at his mutter, but the older man just tapped Sammy away. "Come on. If he's sleeping we should too." Dean wasn't sure he could sleep with Cas awake like before, it had been unnerving, the elephant in the room. Now things felt a bit more relaxed.

Which was ridiculous, really. Because God knows why Cas needed to sleep. Injury was the only sane explanation. Either way, the angel's slumber shouldn't make him more comfortable, but it was better than that ghostly blank stare.

He crashed in the living room whilst Sam took a bed and couldn't help checking that Cas was still breathing whenever he woke in the night.

Wood scraping against planks on the floor roused Dean. Uncurling he glanced over to see Cas rolling upright to stand. In silence the hunter watched the angel lurch forwards unsteadily and pad off towards the bathroom with an unusually stumbling gait. Dean traced his steps down the hall, preparing for the fluttering of wings with a tense heart.

But instead he heard a door open and close, rustling, water.

Huh. Cas wanted a shower. Well, Dean couldn't blame him for that. He resolved to stay awake, but daylight was only just beginning to creep through the slatted windows and before long he fell asleep to the sound of water.

Dean had been having a dream about leaving all the taps on and finding Sam trying to turn them off as they drip, drip, dripped…

The dripping was real. Dean bolted awake this time and jumped.

"Jesus…" Feeling far too old for this, Dean rubbed his eyes before taking on the scene again. Cas was standing before him, staring dead-eyed down at the man's face and wrapped in nothing but a towel, slowly dripping water onto the floor below.

Dean took a moment to adjust to Cas' immediate return to Creepsville Arizona with his sleep-watching.

"Dude, the space? Its personal remember?" Finally, finally, those eyes gathered some life, there was the slightest frown and parted lips closed. Cas was wrapped up in a large white towel that most definitely was one of Sam's house-improvement possessions, not Dean's. It was fluffy, and swamped him… Without the familiar trench coat Cas always looked a bit too small, although his body was slender, not twiggy.

"…Cas…what are you doing dripping everywhere?" The angel looked down, and watched the water dripping whilst not answering the perplexity in Dean's voice. It was really too early for this.

"…I'm wet." His voice was still low, quiet… Dean was surprised he was talking at all.

"Yeah, I can see that." Dean pushed up from the couch with a deep breath and stretched, yawning. The sun had risen quite a way by now; Cas must have had a long shower. Probably to get all that Purgatory grade-A grime off.

Ah. Dirty _clothes_. Hence the lack of clothes... It was easier to deal with the physical situation than ponder on how awkward it could be. He hadn't spoken to Cas since leaving him, and now they were talking about personal space and dripping on the floor… Man he was a dick at times.

_Okay, decent, decent, nice…_ Dean cast around for clothes.

"Okey dokey let's find you something." …'Okey dokey'. For the love of God, that was so lame. Sporting a grimace, Dean turned back to Cas to see if he was being given eye-full's of death yet.

Cas was squinting his eyes, taking little breaths and _yawning_… all bemused blinks and scrunching nose… This was the thing he'd left in purgatory…or this was the thing he'd created by abandoning the angel. The action was so human, catching a yawn, that Dean felt a little blindsided. After the momentary distraction though, Cas' eyes flickered to see Dean watching, and dulled, fixed away.

"I should g-"

"No, wait," Dean's hands caught Cas' arms through the towel, staying him. Cas looked faintly unnerved. And their eyes met.

_The last time it was me reaching for you_. The angel's blue eyes said, remembered. A stale mate passed between them. It was Dean's duty to break it.

"Just, let me get you some clothes, okay?" He didn't say sorry, it would be a moot point, and actions always spoke louder than words… Unless it was _Samantha_…but the less said about his brother's unmanliness the better.

There was another long pause. Cas was still, but wary. Finally he looked at the floor, door, window, then glanced briefly back at Dean before fixing his gaze away.

"Okay." At least there was some awareness in those eyes now. Dean breathed a sigh of relief and dropped Cas' arms, turning to rummage through his bag. Sounds of scraping wood behind him alerted him to the fact that the angel had sat down; he was probably just too tired to fly.

Dean returned with an armful of clothes and dropped them on the table.

"Urm, you can get dry right?" Cas looked down at his feet, shifted them experimentally and nodded. "Good." He went to fetch some of those nasty cereal bars Sam lugged back a few days ago that seemed to last forever, snagged a handful and grabbed a couple of glasses.

The minor sounds of shuffling behind him let him know the angel was still there. By the time he'd filled the glasses and came back to the table with the food, Cas was swaying a little, eyes lidded and frowning at the zipper of the hooded jumper he was wearing, one side in each hand as though he could will them together. Well, zippers _were_ a complicated item of clothing for a recent-escapee of purgatory angel.

"Here," His voice was calm on the way over, setting the food down Dean turned to Cas and plucked out the two ends. Holding them up briefly for the angel to see he slotted one into the other and pulled up the zip.

Cas watched his hands until he stopped the zip, staring at them. Dean smirked and couldn't resist, he did it up a little more again to the angel's neck and Cas went cross eyed with his head tucked back before Dean lowered it down a little again. His hands dropped and Castiel's replaced them, fingering the now seamless line.

"Alright there you go, want some food? Hold on, I'll just unwrap it for you."

"I am not a child, Dean." He stopped, hands stilling at the tampered fury quivering Castiel's voice, his hands dropping to clench into fists. Dean straightened from the table slowly, taking a breath; Cas wasn't looking at him, rather gracing the wall with Heaven's wrath.

"Yeah, I-I know…" He paused for a moment, cleared his throat from the panic and guilt. There was no doubt it was mainly fatigue tethering the angel here. But a child Cas wasn't, Dean would do well to stop forgetting the boundaries between helping and patronising. Sure, Cas may be clueless about how staplers worked, but give him time to experiment with one and he could use it to dismember a wendigo… Probably. "Sorry, just let me give you some food, alright?"

Dean pleaded his cause, but handed over a new, still wrapped bar for the angel as a truce. Cas stared at it, stared at Dean. Apparently wary but he could still understand the human necessity to nourish, so took the bar and sat down with the man.

The hunter watched him turn it, pick at it and finally tear the seam and peel it like a banana.

"Cas…" The angel tensed a little, stiffened and chewed his food steadily, not looking up from the table. "I, I know this sucks, and I screwed up, but… I want to make this right okay?" There was no reaction other than a swallow, a pause. "So…will you let me try?" Cas glanced at him, briefly, sideways, eyes raw and still betrayed and condemning, but also nervous and afraid, hurt. Dean's gut twisted. Cas looked away, but took another small bite and chewed before swallowing. He paused for a moment.

"I am unable to go anywhere Dean." Their eyes met only briefly again. "You have time to _try_." The answer suggested the angel didn't think he would be successful, but it was good enough for Dean. He knew that, unfortunately, Cas was a sucker for him and his messed up ways, if even a little bit of his friend still was, Dean swore he'd treat it right this time. Instead of gloating though, He just nodded to accept the olive branch graciously, decidedly, pulling his lips into a satisfied downturn.

"Okay, I can work with that."

Several bars through the mountain later for both of them, and water half gone, Sam rose from the depths of his bed like a gargantuan sleep-monster and rumbled towards the bathroom.

Dean's phone rang as if on cue.

No rest for the wicked… Or their fallen-angelic friends.

The tenacity of people to remember phone numbers never ceased to amaze Dean. One year he had been out of the game and still people called his cell phone. Incredible or desperate?

Either way, he took the call. It was a savvy reporter he'd met on a case years ago, during the years Sam was in College. The suave older man managed to convey urgency without sounding completely freaked out, which was impressive in and of itself…considering that the backwater bayou he was reporting in was full of old grannies that were turning cannibalistic.

"Hey, no worries Sylvester, we'll be there."

"I appreciate it, Dean… And if it isn't too much trouble, uh, hurry?" Dean agreed and shut off the phone call.

"What's that? Job?" Sammy did not sound happy about it; he was picking up the sopping towel that Cas had abandoned whilst drying his hair with another one.

"Yeah, down in New Orleans." Dean confirmed, dropping a heavy accent for charm. Sam looked less than impressed, and instead turned to their resident angel.

"How you feeling Cas?" There was a drawn out sidelong glance, as though measuring for threat, Cas was still eating the bars and had amassed a collection of about ten. Dean couldn't wait to get a good Louisiana po-boy into him. These things were not real food. As proven by the fact that Cas had had ten. You'd get sick before you got full.

Eventually he just put down the last bar and dropped his gaze to the table, hands in his lap.

Oh no. The staring was going to start again. Sam shot him a look and Dean flapped his hands away to stave off both of their concern.

"Cas, you gonna come with?" He hedged the question, but was prepared to wrestle the angel into the car if he had to. There was a hunch to his shoulders and Dean came back round to sit near him again, catching his eyes. They looked unsure. "Cas."

"I…wont be able to help as you expect me to." Dean scoffed a little.

"Man, we're not trying to run you ragged, I just want you to be there." He could feel two sharp gazes landing on him, and regretted the words briefly, rubbing his mouth in awkwardness. Cas' eyes were almost suspicious though, and fair enough…he'd been used before. After clearing his throat he fixed the angel in the blue eyes again.

"Hey, I swear, I just want you there, but you can stay here if you want. I know you can take care of yourself but we stick together when someone's down," both of their gazes stuck at that, Dean knew _just_ how hypocritical it sounded. "We _should_ stick together. There have been _times_ but... I can do this. I get you're tired so just…come for some company okay?"

Cas flicked his glance back with eyes that were weary, tired and wrought, some hurt and frustrated upset, but mostly exhausted of all this, all their chasing and cat and mouse. Dean couldn't rightly blame him. It was always one of them trying to prove something to the other, one of them being stubborn, one of them betraying, one of them begging… It was getting old, despite the fact that Dean hadn't been the one apologising for the most of it.

They'd ironically had a great year whilst facing down the apocalypse. But Dean thought that they could do better. The people you laughed with in the good times as well as the bad, those were the ones to keep.

Blue eyes flitted away and searched the room helplessly, looking wrung out and over everything.

"Cas, buddy, come on." He pleaded, and pleading eyes met him in some sort of miniature break down. Cas had been in purgatory too long, he couldn't trust Dean and he couldn't relax. Couldn't believe him anymore.

"Dean," His eyebrows furrowed just slightly, eyes achingly sad, that eternal 'Why won't you believe me? Why wont you just leave me?' floating around with the smallest head shake. It was a small plea, one he'd heard so many times over the years. Understand me, help me, believe me, trust me, I can't do this any more.

Well, neither could Dean. Cas had been trying to escape this fate since they met in purgatory: abandonment. He'd always been trying to fight abandonment, in purgatory he'd just tried to get the jump on it. Dean had been cruel, puling him back in, telling him it was fine, that it was okay, that they'd find a way through, Cas had known there wasn't, for him. Dean had made him believe it. Made the angel believe, it was something so easy for him to do, and when the time had come to prove it…he'd left him, fled, abandoned his friend because it wasn't going to happen. Saved himself. Led Cas along and pulled him up just to let him fall.

It was bitingly cruel and Dean knew that whatever else, there was no point saying 'oh, we've both screwed up, lets call it even'. There was a very good chance Cas would never forgive him for this. He had used Cas' faith against him time and again, but this was the only time he'd used it so selfishly, for no good, and used that faith to hurt him.

It was both a wonder and a curse of Cas' creation that he still had faith left. He had to have faith in something. Find faith in something. Castiel was an angel; he simply couldn't help it.

Dean would only use it one more time. He'd scoop up the remnants of whatever was left of it and hold it close till it mended, protect it forever. Cas' faith and Cas' friendship, he would fix them both.

"Listen to me."

"No," Cas' face was still set in that pleading expression, the look of 'please don't say this to me, don't tell me that, please don't make me believe you.' It broke his heart. Without thinking he was reaching across the table, eyes stinging and pleading his own reassurance, one hand on Castiel's shoulder.

"Its okay, hey, Cas its okay." Cas' face crumpled up with despair, eyes squinting shut and head dropping. Dean gulped back tears and had a moment of surging gratefulness to Sammy for keeping silent for this agonising dance.

"Cas, please, come on, its alright." They _both_ knew what he was doing, what he was trying to do, Cas shook his head again, minutely, pleading a murmured 'no'. _Don't do this to me_, it read.

A fine tremor ran through the angel, but otherwise he remained perfectly still.

For minutes neither of them strayed from pose; Dean's unstoppable force meeting Cas' unmoveable object.

Silence and autumn sun stretched through the cabin, Sam's watchful vigil as he observed a dance so finely woven that he could interpret, but never hope to understand.

"Its okay. I swear, this time _I've got you_." He ground the last words out and from a lowered head, Cas' eyes slowly opened, met his. There was resentment in there, and so much hate, for himself, for Dean… but that look was for reassurance. Dean took it like a precious gift and swore to himself he would give it back.

"I've got you, Cas." There was whispered noise of despair, and Cas closed his eyes, nodded brokenly and gave up.

Dean huffed out a breath slowly, sat back a little to relieve his aching back, and rubbed Cas' shoulder slowly, soothingly. Trying to console and push some calm comfort back into the creature he had just taken apart.

That profound bond...Dean wondered if sometimes Cas wished he had smashed it. Or never braved hell to risk its existence in the first place.

The angel stirred, and frowned into his eyes weakly, strung with fatigue, but there was real threat underneath. _Don't break me, don't you dare_. Dean gulped, read an impossible ultimatum of their last chance, and lowered his head solemnly at Cas and swore.

"I won't." A doubtful glance, though not necessarily of his resolution, just of success rate, and Cas withdrew from his reach, sitting back against the chair. Wearing Dean's own clothes, under his influence, but now under his protection as well.

Cas had no choice but to give him a chance in the state he was in, whatever that was. And Dean couldn't help but be grateful. He took a long breath, let it out and stood. Sam met his eyes briefly, frowning in question, in concern, for both of them. Dean just raised his eyebrows in a relieved resolution and frowned himself as if to say 'don't question this'.

Sammy would. He always would. But he wouldn't really understand what Dean had done. It was okay; he didn't need to. Cas was going to stick with them. Dean had the time to fix things. They were going on a hunt.

He could keep this together; he had to. Dean didn't have the ability to consider anything less than that.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Sorry this is a little late guys, I had a job interview to prepare for (wish me luck!). Also, I swear that they _will_ get down to Louisiana…it's just taking longer to get them to the plot than anticipated. They just keep interacting!

So, anyway, enjoy! And thank you very much for favourites and especially reviewing! *Flails towards Casismyfavorite and Gypsy* Thanks guys :D

Also, just realised my page breaks weren't working, grrr, hopefully I've fixed that now!

**Chapter 3**

They packed up the car pretty quick and headed out. Dean could tell Sam was biting his tongue the whole time so things were a little tense. Still, he was more worried about making sure Cas was coping.

He really didn't know whether to talk to the angel right now or leave him alone. Cas had stumbled and staggered out to the car looking like he needed a shoulder to lean on, but he wasn't really letting anyone come that close still, and Dean didn't want to push the boundaries.

The very least he knew was that Cas didn't want any sort of charity. So, tempted though the hunter was to leave the back door of the car open for him, he didn't. _Let him have his self-respect_, because Dean was taking away his roaming privileges and solitude.

With bags, grumpy oversized brother and coerced weakened angel safely stowed in the car, Dean set off, relishing the smooth hum of the impala beneath his fingers.

Five hours later they pulled over for food. The stop roused Cas who'd been staring out the window watching the worlds go by, slumped in the backseat and wan looking.

"Come on Cas. Let's get some food." He smacked Sam awake and clambered out the car. Sam grumbled and organised his long limbs for a minute. Cas pushed open the door and stood cautiously, breathing in a deep breath of air steadily. The man eyed him carefully. "You okay?"

Another sidelong glance, Dean wanted to shave off the fuzz covering his friend's face. It reminded him too much of purgatory and darkened the angel's blue eyes.

"Where are we?" Cas asked instead of reply. Dean let his door close as Sam clambered out and stretched.

"Livingstone. 'Bout three hours from Wyoming."

"Will we be going much further?" Dean eyed Cas appraisingly, he looked drawn, stiff, taught almost and laden with something that wasn't just fatigue. _Crap_, he hadn't even checked the angel over for injuries…not that he could without breaking the bare semblance of truce they'd managed to maintain in the silence.

"Yeah, way down south to Louisiana. Should get there tomorrow sometime with any luck. Now come on, I'm starving." Waving his straggling passengers to follow Dean led the way to the diner he had stopped by, keeping an eye on Sammy's grump level and Cas' stumbling gait. The walk was short so he let the angel make the way over unaided, hoping that food would improve both his companions' spirits.

Service was swift and with a smile after they piled into a corner booth of the comfortingly busy diner. Cas practically fell into the seat, looking grim faced and huddling close to the window, staring out rather than engaging. Dean ordered for him to save time, noticing how Sam had sat next to the angel, rather than him, as if to offer a wall from the other patrons. Made sense, didn't look like their friend was up to fending off a burger let alone a demon.

Still, the food was delivered quick and warm.

"Alright, Cas, that's for you." He pushed the spare cheeseburger over and Cas eyed it dismally before glancing up at him. "Well don't just stare at it, eat up."

"Dean, maybe he doesn't want it."

"He has to eat Sam."

"Yeah, but he could have something else li-"

"No rabbit food Sam!" Discussion over. Sam rolled his eyes but turned to Cas.

"You alright with that?" Cas hunched a bit and glanced at him warily. One hand curled around the plate subtly. Dean recognised the gesture, Cas may not like the food, but he didn't want it taken away from him. The angel seemed to realise he was guarding the food as well, and pushed it away, sitting back.

"I'm not hungry." Dean dropped his head in annoyance before looking Cas sternly in the eye. Skittish blues flickered over and away from him.

"Why not? You feeling better suddenly? 'Cause you don't look it. Just give it a try and if you don't like it, or feel sick, we'll try something else okay?" Apparently though, Cas was done with being manhandled mentally, he shot a glare across the table and levelled it on Dean. He gulped, hearing _last chance last chance_ ricochet around his brain.

"Yeah okay, okay, your choice. Sorry." He raised his hands and Cas backed down, lowering the intensity and setting back with a huff. Sam watched between them again with a frown.

"You sure, Cas? We might not stop again for a while." He tried. Cas glanced at Sam, then at his older brother for confirmation.

"He's right, we have to push on, but I'll stop if you need to okay?" Sam's fork clattered down to the table, his mouth hanging open. Cas started at the noise and regarded the younger Winchester's incredulity with a worried appraisal.

"I-its okay Sam, I'll eat." Apparently he thought Sam was going to die of shock if he didn't consume something, which only startled the taller man more. Cas picked one chip up from the plate, put it in his mouth, chewed, swallowed. Half a second later he went stark white lurched forwards and vomited over the table.

"Woah!"

"Jesus!"

Several patrons shrieked in disgust, Sam and Dean scooted away to avoid being splattered and Cas clutched the table, white-knuckled and coughing, face scrunched up in pain and disgust.

"Okay, time to go." Dean threw some bills randomly down on the clean half of the table, slid out with Sam and pulled Cas out, who was still coughing. The Winchester's grabbed an arm each and marched Cas outside and away from the staring faces and appalled whispers. Dean snuck a coke on the way past the counter and Sam pulled the door open.

Outside, some of Cas' tensed muscles relaxed in the fresh air, but he didn't open his eyes or stop coughing. The elder brother led the way to the little grass area behind where they'd parked, sheltering them from view with pine trees and the impala.

"Here we go." They set Cas down against a tree and each kept a hand on his shoulders, steadying him back against the bark. Blue eyes fluttered open to him with a grimace briefly.

"Drink, small sips." Dean ordered, pressing the bottle to Castiel's lips and tipping it to a shallow angle. He closed his eyes and complied, spluttering slightly against the flow of liquid before finding equilibrium. One hand clawed instinctively into Dean's jacket and stuck there whilst he controlled the tilt of the bottle to allow for slow sips and interspersed breathing.

After a couple of minutes Castiel's panting eased and he relaxed tense muscles slightly. Sam met his brother's eyes.

"What's wrong with him?" Dean shrugged helplessly. How was he supposed to know? Instead he turned back to the angel.

"Cas, can you hear me?" Flat eyes flickered open half-mast, rolled up and Cas slumped in a panting heap.

"Jesus Christ." Dean grabbed the angel quickly and steadied him, weak eyes fluttered open and Sam begun running his hands over Castiel, but no matter where they fell, he couldn't feel anything obvious. Cas roused enough to sit up a bit and glare glumly at Sam's roving hands.

"Stop it." He muttered, annoyed. This time it was Sam who replied, pissily.

"Tell me what's wrong and I will." Cas just wriggled out of both Winchesters grips and pulled himself into a standing position, going over to sit on a picnic bench.

Dean caught Sam's frustrated worry and frowned his own. Something was definitely not right. He turned to stand.

"Cas-" The angel had his tops pushed up and one hand over his bare stomach, wincing and bent over as he sat, a mar of black and purple bruises could be seen under his hand.

"Oh my God." Sam was quicker than him, because for a moment Dean was frozen before pushing to his feet and hurrying over. Cas was leaning away from Sam with a threatened frown. "Come on, let me see." Sam pleaded.

"No." Cas sounded resolute.

"_Why_?"

"Because it hurts!" Cas snapped back, glaring and shying away. Dean pushed through, trying for calm rationality.

"That's why you should let us see it, Cas." The look he got in response was absolutely brutal.

"Why? So that you can _leave_ me again!" Dean lurched back as if whiplashed and Sam jerked his head from one to the other, a horrified, appalled look in his face.

"Dean, what…what's he saying, you didn't-" Cas pushed away from them both, his whole body buckled when he tried to stand and Dean forced his way past Sam to grab him tightly. With one arm above and one below Castiel's own he held the angel tightly with resolution whilst the smaller tried to squirm an escape against him.

"I _wont_. I said I _wont_." Dean reminded, swearing his words with a low tone of honesty. Cas stilled and half turned his head to stare back at him, panting.

"I don't believe you." Dean's face crumpled into a frown, a sad almost pity he was glad Cas wasn't able to read well from his angle.

"Yes, Cas, you do." Wide eyes met his, some panic in them. It was true, and they stared for a while, Dean trying to show through steady eye contact that he wasn't lying. Eventually, breathing hard, Cas paused and shifted his eyes between Dean's, licking his lips.

"I can't believe you." True, he really really shouldn't. Not because Dean was going to betray him again, but because he'd been betrayed so badly the first time.

"I know, but you do." A pause then;

"I don't trust you." Dean nodded, eyes clearing of pity and meeting Cas with calm assurance instead.

"That I can believe." Cas looked away, eyes bitter and self-depreciating. Dean could understand why; he hated himself for betraying Cas as much as Cas did himself for coming back. The hunter shook him gently; arms still around the angel making him rock a little.

"Hey. I wont let you down okay." His words met the back of Castiel's neck and silence, just the feeling of the angel breathing against his chest. "Are you bleeding?"

"N-no." Dean nodded, even though the angel couldn't see, slumped in his arms and just standing.

"Okay." Dean steadied himself to make a deal he really didn't want to. But he had to give Cas something. "Okay. For now, that'll be enough, if it doesn't get any worse I'll leave it until tonight-"

"What? Dean!" He shot a look over to stop Sam's very angry and probably very sensible objection.

"But tonight I want to check you over for injuries. Can you get prepared for that?" Cas just nodded in defeat. At least Dean was giving him time to get used to the idea. "Okay." He slipped his arms from around the angel and guided him gently with a hand on his back towards the car, shooting Sam a meaningful glare to put up and shut up.

With Cas safely situated inside, he handed him the cola bottle.

"You should finish this." It occurred to the older brother that he and Sam hadn't really eaten either. "Hey," Dean threw his wallet over at Sam "grab us something to go, when it gets dark you're driving."

Sam just shot him a disapproving look, saying just what he thought of not checking the angel over now. To be fair, Dean didn't feel much better about it either, but he was keenly aware that he shouldn't push Cas too far. Hopefully Sam would be too busy eating to interrogate him about leaving Cas, or at least be tactful enough to not do it with the angel awake.

Cas sat in the back seat silently and sipped his drink. Dean couldn't tell if the look on his face was pain or oncoming tears.

_**=BREAK=**_

The drive was almost painfully tense up front. Sam said nothing; he sat and glowered through the front window. Clearly he was just as pissed that tact forbade him interrogate his brother in front of Cas as he was that there was a need to question in the first place.

Dean counted the small blessings of music and Cas' too-miserable-and-tired-to-care silence in that they helped relieve some of the tension. Some.

As it was it was stifling anyway. Something not helped by their steady journey southward.

The Crew of Contending Misery passed by Sheridan, Wyoming just as afternoon was creeping into early autumn sunset. Not a word had been spoken for three hours.

A movement in the back caught Dean's eye, and he saw Cas squirm a little.

"Dean," The voice was quiet, strained, and a bit plaintitive.

"Yeah? You need me to pull over?" All he received was a tight-lipped nod from a white face. There was a rest stop coming up and he turned on to it, wondering if Cas had great timing or had actually learnt to read road signs.

They parked with nothing but a bare expanse of view before them; to the left were a block of toilets, some vending machines and a small food stall. Sam took the golden opportunity as it was offered and scampered to the rest room to escape Dean's company for a bit. Cas opened the door much slower, and for a long time just perched on the edge of his seat, feet in the short grass. He must have slipped the slippers off. Dean considered the possibility that he might have to buy Cas some boots to keep him fitting in with society if the angel was going to be sticking around.

He watched his friend taking deep breaths of fresh air, some colour slowly returning to his face, though he still sat slumped forwards, propped up on his arms.

"Hey, you doing okay there?" His voice was calm and gentle, not wanting to break the tension-less quiet that had descended. Cas seemed to debate between confirming and denying, and finally just shrugged with a huff of breath. Dean frowned sympathetically; this had to be no fun for Cas at all. Ill, sick, injured and stuck in a car with two bickering brothers. Not exactly the best 'welcome back from purgatory' present. He hadn't even eaten yet.

"Reckon you could stomach something to eat? Sounds bizarre but it might make you feel better." Castiel pondered silently, gave a shrug of muted 'can't get any worse' whilst looking utterly miserable and scrubbed absently at his face. Dean didn't like the beard any more.

"Right, first things first. Shave." Pure curiosity seemed to stir Cas and he looked around to follow Dean's progress getting out of the car. The hunter opened the trunk, pulled out his bag of wash stuff and closed the hot metal. Cas was staring at him, tilted out of the car slightly. "Come on." Dean turned to leave with a wave, hearing Cas stumble up in confusion and hurry to follow with a weaving gait.

Dean could admit he was partly just trying to have some positive interaction with the angel again. He wanted Cas to have calmed down by the time he had to check for injuries.

They made it to the bathrooms with no one else in sight, there were no cars in the lot and Sam was buying some food. Dean had to wait a bit for Cas to catch up. He laid out the shaving cream and razor on the side, and filled the sink with some warm water.

"…What are we doing here?" Cas was looking around warily. Dean just finished up and turned the tap off.

"Relax, I'm just turning you into a man. What my dad taught me. Doubt I'll have any kids of my own so… Might as well teach you, right?" He turned to Cas with a smile, who was frowning in a mixture of curious, sad and disapproving. Dean managed a soft laugh.

"Come here." Beckoning the angel Dean held up the bottle of shaving cream. Castiel seemed compliant by curiosity, that familiar frown on his face of trying to understand human actions. "Splash your face…" No reaction other than a long frown into his eyes. "In the water."

Cas' expression cleared in understanding and he splashed water on his face and scrubbed a bit and looked back up, expectant.

"Right, give me your hand." Dean squirted some gel on the angel's hand. "Use about this much, rub it into your face. Uh uh!" He lowered the hands that rose too high. "Just the bit you want to shave."

"Oh." Castiel covered the area Dean indicated in the mirror and rubbed in the gel.

"Good, now, this is the tricky bit," Dean swished the razor through the water, "hold still and watch." Cas nodded, but looked a little concerned.

Dean took a breath and guided the razor over his friend's cheek, feeling the hairs catch in the blades and nick off. He wasn't worried about going too close to the skin; Cas had always had a bit of a shadow going on.

The angel seemed fascinated, following the razor's clearing path with interested eyes. Dean did a couple of strips then swished the blades through the water.

"Okay, you try." Cas took the implement delicately, mirroring the pressure he had felt against his skin aptly. He seemed pleasantly surprised when it produced the same results. "Good, now you're learning." Dean grinned and clapped Cas on the shoulder when he washed the implement again. Blue eyes drifted over to him and stuck as the angel's movement stilled. After a few moments of too much past flickering under the surface, Dean squeezed the shoulder he held. "Go on, try the rest."

For a few moments it was a bit awkward. After a few repetitions Cas was left with two clear cheeks and a ridiculous looking remainder of cream around his mouth and neck. The angel glanced into the mirror and scowled at the silly image he made, Dean chuckled.

"Don't worry it gets better, here, do your moustache line, it helps if you pull a face, like this." Dean pulled the most extravagant face he could in the mirror and waggled an eyebrow.

Cas broke into a small grin and soft laughter, muscles relaxing.

"There, see, we all look stupid as we do it. Come on though give it a try." With a slightly curled lip Cas regained the razor and pulled a more restrained version of the same face. Dean led Cas through the chin and delicate skin on the throat, feeling an almost silly swelling of pride.

He hadn't been kidding earlier, it was pretty cool to be able to teach this to someone else, Dad had made a point of being the one to teach Sam, even though Dean would have gladly done it.

"Alright Cas," Dean praised, "Just wash your face and you're all done."

The man watched as his friend emerged from the water, a bit pink skinned, but a whole lot more recognisable. His eyes seemed all the bluer. Dean smiled fondly and patted him on the shoulder.

"Good man. Come on, let's go get some food."

Cas had swayed a bit when he had no counter to lean on, so Dean sent him back to the car and went to grab them both some sustenance. He figured a chocolate bar was safe.

Sam was tapping away on his phone and Dean leaned beside Cas where he perched half way in the car again. They only had a few more hours driving before he would check for injuries, but hopefully there would now be something more positive to think about at that stage. It was all he could do right now.

Cas didn't particularly enjoy the food. The walk back from the stalls had ramped up the exertion brewing under the surface whilst learning a new skill. The angel chewed slowly until the bar was finished, then crumpled the wrapper with a slow breath, his hand was shaking a little.

"Okay, you're done." Dean removed the wrapper and replaced it with a bottle of water. "Small sips like before?" Castiel nodded glumly, cradling the water in his hands. "Okay." He patted the roof of the car and went round to the front, mostly to stop himself from putting Cas' legs back in the car for him. Sammy dropped the phone and Dean slid into the driver's seat, Cas eased back into the car slower, pulled the door shut gingerly and sat still again, leaning into the leather heavily.

At least Sam seemed a bit calmer. Maybe he'd beaten up some of those grumpy birds he had rattled on about a few days ago.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Sorry this is so late guys! My new job started last week and then, well, GISHWHES happened… (technically still is for 4 hrs!)

And if only the last 3 members of my team could do Item 45 I could rest in peace tonight! Ha!

It was my first time doing it this year, and it was awesome! Did anyone reading this do it? I want to trade tales if you did, who did what tasks?

Anyway, this is extra long and filled (I think? ;P) with enough Whump to go round to making up for lateness. Enjoy!

**Chapter 4**

Sunset was creeping through the windscreen, deep and punctuated by clouds. Dean squinted against the light, focusing on the road ahead so much that Sam noticed first.

"Woah!" Dean started and followed his brother's spinning head to see Cas thud down to the back seat in a crumpled heap.

"What happened?" Dean shouted, scanning between the road, angel and his brother. Sam reached back and prodded Castiel, trying to reach for a pulse.

"His eyes just rolled up and he went down-shit. Dean pull over. There's blood."

"Crap!" Dean spotted a somewhat concealed turn off and headed for it, pulling over and backing the car in to conceal whatever they were going to have to do next.

Both brothers lurched out and pulled open the back doors. Cas lay limp and unmoving, a dark patch spreading over the jumper by his stomach.

"For _God's_ sake Cas." Dean complained, but his heart was going at a mile a minute. In his head all the monsters of purgatory were flashing like a criminal line up as he helped Sam roll the angel over. Together they made quick work of stripping him of the jumper. Sam sat back with a hiss and Dean's hands faltered. It was not a pretty sight.

Cas' stomach was marred with ugly bruises and a single long gash running from one hip to his waist. It was angry and inflamed. Definitely infected and had evidently closed and reopened several times. The jagged slice was gunked up with dirt and dead flesh, turning green. It was deep too.

"Oh man," Sam breathed, now that it was open to the air the smell of it hit them. "Why isn't it healing?" Dean's hands clenched until he realised they were wasting precious time. How Cas was able to move with it Dean didn't know.

"No idea. Stay with him. I'll get us to a motel." With that he jumped back into the front and Sam crawled in with Cas, shutting the door. He pulled out with a roar of engine and squealing tyres. Next motel was ten minutes away five minutes. Dean knew a hospital would be better. But he had no idea what was wrong with Cas' mojo. If he _did_ heal in an hour there would be questions. There wasn't going to be a hospital for miles out here in the sticks, they were lucky there was a hotel. He'd need running water for this. Not to mention if Cas _didn't _heal in the hospital…Dean just had images of the angel in a body bag.

He couldn't do that to Cas, couldn't leave him again. They'd have to say they found Cas somewhere, because how else would they explain a family member or friend with wounds like that? Then they'd be thanked for bringing him in and sent away…and Cas would think Dean had left him again.

Violently Dean shook himself and focused on the road. He needed to be cool, calm, collected. They'd need to see if there were other injuries, and there probably were. Then he and Sam would have to deal with them. In his head Dean started running over the tools he'd need, the types of bandages, would Cas need antibiotics? He wasn't healing on his own, whether because the wound was poisoned or because he was too weakened to do it. Dean never had asked how he had gotten out of purgatory. Maybe it had used up his powers and now he was recharging?

Dean decided to err on the side of caution: antibiotics, painkillers. If they weren't necessary, or just the diseased tissue was preventing Cas from healing, well, he'd never been hurt from human medicine before.

_**=Break=**_

They weren't even close to Casper, or Dean might have been tempted to drive to a hospital anyway, the information Sam was giving from the back was not good.

Still, they were in the middle of nowhere, and the Blue Buffalo Motel was their only salvation. Somewhat serendipitously, the owner was hinting not so subtly that '_if you boys be needin' anything, well you just ask Ol' Sid, I gots a plenty of things for a plenty of needs'_. Dean fixed his best beam on his face and swiftly managed to negotiate the highest strength medications he could find in 'Ol' Sid's medicine cabinet.

Apparently 'Ol' Nelly', his wife, had passed away two years ago from a buffalo mauling and he was trying to pass on the medicines because they were both firm believers in '_waste not, want not_.' Or whatever.

Dean managed to cut a good deal and Sam was then dragged around to see the patch where the old mascot buffalo 'Ol' Grady' had lived before he'd mauled the misses and been minced for meat. It gave Dean time to try and sneak Cas past Ol' Sid.

The angel was completely dead weight. Heavy limbs were limp and there clearly wasn't an ounce of strength left in them. Cas' eyes fluttered a bit with a weak moan when Dean awkwardly hefted him up and out of the car. The hunter held the angel bridal-style and felt a heavy head thud into the crook of his neck; the skin resting against his flesh was heated and sweaty. Dean gulped when Cas whispered a whimper against him, feeling sick with dread.

"Its fine Cas, you're gonna be just fine you stupid idiot, I've got you." There was no reply except for more laboured breathing. Later, he'd shout at the angel later. When he was actually conscious.

They were one of only three occupied rooms, and right at the far end of the small motel complex. Dean lugged Castiel into the room and closed the door quickly by leaning back on it.

First, he needed to get a good look at the wound. And any others. He headed over to the bathroom, thankful of bright lights even if the space was tiny. Cas could barely fit on the floor lying down so after propping him up against the child-sized bath Dean struggled to pull in all the tools he'd need from the trunk. Sam arrived back when Dean was boiling the kettle. He knew he'd be sterilising something.

"How is he?"

"Just about to take a look, come on." Dean waved Sam through and they knelt either side of the angel. Both brothers shucked their extra clothing layers. T-shirts and jeans were less bulky to work in than shirts that tended to trail into open wounds.

They eased Cas down and out of his borrowed clothes.

"Damn it. How was he even walking on this thing?" Dean glanced over from his inspection of Cas' other leg. Sam indicated the angel's thigh where a deep black bruise highlighted a twist. Dean felt himself go pale and felt over the wound. _Badly healed break, damn_. They'd have to re-set it.

The sheer scale of what they were dealing with began to re-dawn on Dean. Sammy looked nervous as hell in front of him.

"Okay, okay. We can do this, don't panic." Sam looked like he was about to argue, but then just shook his head of the thought and took a moment to glance at Cas. When he looked up his eyes were steeled.

"We should start." Dean nodded firmly, one injury at a time.

"Start with the stomach, we're going to need to clean that before we try and bandage anything and get it wet. Sam nodded in agreement and Dean went to fetch the boiled water. He washed their finest tools and gathered the medicine and bandages on a small stool beside Sam.

"This might be easier in the bath." The angle would be bad, but they wouldn't flood the room and create a breeding ground for infection, so Dean nodded. They hefted Cas into the bathtub and stuck his legs awkwardly to the side. "Do we have any tranquilisers?" Sam asked, doubting but hopeful. Dean scanned the medicines.

"Do you know morphine dosages?" Sam looked a bit nervous, but nodded. "Good, then give me the syringe." Both syringe and bottle were handed to him. Dean took a moment to collect himself and wonder if he should thank his time as a torturer in hell for this ability.

Finding a vein in Cas' shock-riddled flesh wasn't easy, and Dean definitely _did_ thank the fact that he'd been getting the angel to drink today or it would have been impossible. Still, soon Cas was doped up as well as unresponsive. He'd probably feel nauseous when he woke up, but at least he wouldn't die of shock before then. Hopefully.

"Okay, hand me the shower head." 'Nurse Sammy' dutifully did so. Dean washed the wounds on Cas. Most were small and clean enough, but he did it anyway. The only serious wounds were the gash, the leg break, and what he suspected was a sprained ankle on the same leg. Probably he was in all sorts of problems trying to compensate for the damaged leg when walking. Dean didn't want to know how long Cas had had the injuries for.

The water ran over the slowly blood-seeping gash and Dean wiped at it with a cloth, trying to clean out the gunk and pus to get a better look.

As he feared, the infection had settled into the extremities of dead flesh badly.

"We're going to need to cut this." Sam looked up at him sharply and then down at the wound. He saw the extent of the damage, the diseased flesh stopping the wound from healing, sealing the infection into the cut whenever it managed to close.

"Wish we had some maggots when we need them for once." Dean added, trying to lighten the tension. Sam just shook his head, several steps ahead.

"Even if we did, they wouldn't be sterilised ones, we could just make it worse if they'd come from an animal corpse. Even if you do a botch job we can at least keep it clean. If it scars that's at least healing." They shared a look and Dean nodded eventually.

"Okay." He proceeded to pick off all the scabs and squeeze out all the pus he could. Cas was thankfully dead to the world or he'd be screaming in pain. "Alcohol." Sam handed the bottle of the good whiskey. You knew you lived a fucked up life when you saved the good stuff for cleaning wounds and the bad for drinking.

Dean liberally doused the gash in the alcohol, and thoroughly wiped the other cuts whilst he let the infected wound soak for a couple minutes. Next he flushed the wound out again, and prepared.

"Knife." Sam handed it over. The moment Dean begun cutting Cas flinched. Dean's grip slipped in shock and Sam lurched forwards to hold down the angel. Now that there was awareness, Dean could see Castiel's face frowning, eyelids fluttering, breathing speeded up.

"Hold him down Sam, this is going to get tricky."

"Do it quick Dean." Dean did. He was being careful, not wanting to cut more than he had to but knowing not to leave any dead skin behind. Cas begun whining, Sam held him steady from squirming, the movements weak and pathetic attempts to get away as it was.

Dean could tell Cas wasn't really with them, wouldn't remember this, but that didn't make it any better when his whines increased to high-pitched cries of pain as he sliced. Crumpled legs kicked out when Dean spread the wound for more access, digging into exposed muscle. He gritted his teeth and worked faster.

"Hurry up Dean." Sam urged, sounding strained and tense. He glanced up briefly to see Cas was in a whole heap of bad ways, deathly pale and struggling through sobbed cries, eyes rolling behind flickering lids.

Without replying he continued. Cas kicked out again and moaned desperately. After another two minutes the wound was covered in fresh blood and looked like a shredded mess. Feeling the shakes coming on Dean grabbed the abandoned showerhead and flushed it out again. Cas made a horrible strangled whimper and twisted to get away from the feeling, but Dean was firm and Sam held fast.

Shooting his younger brother a warning glance Dean picked up the whiskey and after a '_ready'_ nod upended it over the wound. Castiel _screamed_. Long and piercing and convulsed violently, muscles locking up in tension. Dean left the trickle for two minutes and then hurriedly chucked the empty bottle down, pressed the gash closed and pushed a dry towel tightly over the bleeding wound.

"Easy, easy, Cas. That's done, its over." Cas fought against the pressure in Sam's arms and cried through gasps and sobs at the pain, tears falling from dangerously dizzy eyes when they managed to open. The blue eyes were pinpricks and clearly unseeing. Sam shot him a look and held the angel in a less tight, more comforting grip.

"Not long now Castiel, nearly done." There was a wretched sob and the eyes closed as if Cas could understand, his face crumpled whilst his whole body shook.

The flow of blood was easing. Dean pressed a fresh towel on top of the saturated one. After a few minutes of Cas' body slumping and weakening, breathing raggedly, the bleeding had nearly stopped.

Dean sighed a breath and looked to Sam. "Lets get him onto a bed, he needs stitches." The taller man stood, washed his hands in the water and re-boiled the kettle. Dean held onto the towels whilst Sam moved their preciously clean equipment through and laid a couple of large towels on the bed to keep it dry and clean. As they came to move the angel the towels were abandoned. Cas was lifted under the arms and knees and together Dean and Sam got him out of the bath and over to the bed, lowering him down slowly.

Thankfully Cas was out of energy to do more than cry out softly against the movement. He lay on the bed limp and panting.

The needle was sterilised, and Dean carefully pulled the skin together and stitched it tightly, he bit his lip as Cas whimpered and twitched through the whole thing, gasping occasionally.

Finally though, it was done. With a breath of relief Dean wiped the wound clean and bandaged it tightly, earning another moan. He was shaking with fatigue and stress, they both were, all three of them were.

"Leg?" Sam hedged after a breathing pause. Dean glanced down. They couldn't leave it, he knew that much.

"Yeah. Yeah okay." Sam held Cas down again; producing a pleading moan and Dean ran his hands over the break. It would knock out pretty easily. Cas yelped and whined when Dean twisted out sharply and a crack filled the room. He wasted no time in repositioning and with a loud snap and a chocked gag from Cas the bone clicked back into place. He let out a long breath and rubbed over the area soothingly.

"Shh, shh. You did good Cas, all over now." Cas was panting hard into the pillow, head flopped to the side, his eyes were open a crack and rolled half up into fluttering lashes. "Okay, lets splint and bandage it." They ripped two thin boards out from the room's only chair and after padding Cas' leg a little strapped the boards to his thigh and bandaged them tightly, but not enough to lose circulation. For the ankle Dean rubbed the muscles to ease them and bandaged the foot tightly.

"That should work for now, as long as he stays off the leg." He and Sam were both exhausted, Cas was unconscious again, looking small and sick with ashen skin. Sam was running a hand through the messy dark hair soothingly as Cas breathed ragged and shallow in his sleep, twitching occasionally in stressed pain. Little flickers of agony contracting his face into a frown.

"Right, little cuts, then we're done." Sam nodded, looking hurt for the angel as much as knackered from holding him down. Dean controlled his shaking hands as they worked together plastering and taping bandages over Cas' many smaller cuts.

Finally, _finally_, job done.

Dean set an alarm for ridiculously early o-clock; they had to get out of here before Ol' Sid came in to find what they'd done. They needed to push on, but after this they needed sleep first. Sam pulled out a spare jumper and Dean found some underwear and sweatpants, they manhandled Cas into the clothes and under the covers. Briefly they sat him up and Sam held his mouth open whilst Dean pressed some antibiotics and painkillers into his mouth, forcing them down with water. Cas could barely gag before he'd automatically swallowed them to prevent himself from choking. Dean lowered him down and stripped down and into clean clothes before slumping in beside the angel.

Sam sprawled like a starfish on the other bed and Dean reached out enough to be able to rest a hand on the pulse in Cas' neck, feeling the shallow puff of breath on the back of his arm. The weak, thready but present beat of his friend's life eased the hunter down into sleep.

_**=Break=**_

Like clockwork, the alarm roused Dean but only made Sam grumble and turn over. He'd gotten sloppy in his year away. What Dean wasn't counting for was that Cas would jerk awake and lurch upright in shock.

"_Ah_!" Dean sprung up to sitting and around as Castiel crashed back down into the mattress, eyes pained and confused and panting harshly. He hurried to put a hand on the angel's shoulder, receiving a flinch and hurt eyes to squint at him disbelievingly. _Did you do this to me?_

"Hey hey, no, its not what you're thinking Cas-" Castiel lashed out with an arm and swiped Dean's hand away, looking appalled and betrayed, and a bit scared. Dean grabbed at him when he tried to move, imagining torn stitches. Cas wasn't hard to hold down to the bed, but a loud and rather violent struggling match ensued.

"Cas will you calm down!"

"Get, _off_, me," Cas panted, jerking and writhing below Dean where the hunter basically pinned him to the bed, chest to back and arms tight around the angel.

"Cas! _CAS_! _Calm_ _down_!" Cas lurched round and cried out in agony, stilling and slumping in place so abruptly that Dean spread his arms out to catch both their weights. Cas' eyes were wide as saucers and stuck somewhere terrified of causing future pain. He lay perfectly still, body trembling and panting very shallowly, limp as a rag doll. Hell, Dean knew _that_ move; _don't move and it won't hurt_, the man had had to adopt that last ditch behaviour several times himself. Still, maybe Cas hadn't.

"Okay, okay, just keep breathing, try and slow it down, shallow but slow." Cas' eyes flashed to him, still breathing like a racehorse, wide and afraid. "Hey, I didn't do this to you, well, I guess I did but not how you think!" Dean hurried his garbled answer out, receiving an _I don't have time for this_ sort of frown and shifting eyes.

"Look, Cas, you were dying you stupid fucking idiot, I had to cut out about half the flesh on your goddamn stomach just to get the dead stuff off! Hell I thought I was going to see you put into a _body bag_ if I took you to the hospital. Why the hell didn't you tell us something was wrong?" His last sentence was growled, and he shook Cas slightly, gently, in his tensed arms, trying to get some sense into him, trying not to punch him for being such a child.

Cas' eyes cleared of confusion, but shifted away evasively. At least he had the decency to appear somewhat shame-faced about it. Awkwardly he liked his lips, breathing calming down.

"It, seemed important, not to say, at the time." He glanced back, a hint of pointed authority in his eyes. "I, don't think you can, blame me for that, caution." Dean sighed and closed his eyes briefly, they both sank a bit further into the bed as he relaxed slightly; Cas looked a little alarmed at the movement, but breathed out when they settled, eyelids drooping a bit.

"Yeah… No more okay." Their eyes met, cautious to determined. "Come on Cas, you can't do that to me again. I was watching you scream and bleed out in the bath whilst I cut you open. From now on you _tell me_ what's wrong okay? You can't do that to me again man. No more." Cas eyed him, appraisingly, uneasily, but finally looked down and away with a sigh, relaxing into the bed within his arms.

"No. No more." He agreed, solemnly. Dean breathed out.

"Good." For a moment they just lay there, getting over that, and Dean pulled Cas in a bit tighter in a semblance of the hug he wasn't likely to get from the angel in a hurry. Castiel wasn't afraid of touching, or being touched, never really had been, but he never instigated any kind of affection, no clap on the back, nothing. And that was when they were being actively friendly. He seemed to survive without touch beyond duty because he'd never really experienced it before humans. Even in purgatory he had just _let_ Dean hug him, but hadn't reciprocated. Dean would have to do something about that, because it was as if Cas just didn't know how.

After a moment Dean shifted one arm around Cas' stomach and sat up, lifting the smaller body with him. The angel startled a little, and seemed both bemused and surprised that the movement didn't hurt as much. Dean sighed as he sat the angel up on the edge of the bed and let go. There was a little cry of surprise as Cas' body failed to hold him and he started to fall back. The hunter's quick reflexes caught him before he fell and propped him back up and forwards slightly.

"Okay, easy. Hand on your stomach, _gently_, use the other to hold your weight okay?" Dean prompted Cas to lean over slightly whilst the angel looked at him confused and in pain, a bit guarded. Dean sighed and moved to stand in front of him, bending over to meet his blue eyes.

Dean would offer nothing but the truth.

"Not gonna lie to you Cas, this is gonna suck, bad." Cas looked up at him with a gut-twisting frown that asked for answers, but he could _see_ the uneasiness. Dean took a deep breath. "Let's face it, I'm no surgeon, and Sam's not exactly a nurse. The infection was deep and the gash bad. I had to cut out more than I'd like, including muscle, probably, I'm not too sure. It's gonna be a bitch to move and you might not be able hold yourself up too good till it heals…which will be a bitch too, incidentally. You've got a broken leg that we had to re-set, this one," Dean patted Cas' knee under his watchful gaze, "and a sprained ankle too, so you need to try and keep weight off it alright? You might feel nauseous, because we had to give you morphine," Dean sighed again, "you're gonna have to deal with the fact that until you heal normal things will be rough."

There was a pause to consider, and then Cas nodded mutely, looking away with an expression that conveyed _thought as much_. He let out a little breath to settle himself.

"Okay" Cas assessed.

"Okay?" Dean clarified, checking that the angel was _really_ okay with it. "You get what I mean? No flying, no running, no fighting-"

"_Yes_ Dean." Cas bit out, eyes focused away and hard. Right_, _crap_, pestering too much again_, Dean took a breath to reel himself back in.

"Okay." He responded feebly. For a moment they sat in silence before Cas glanced up at him.

"Dean? I want to move now." Dean panicked for a moment that Cas had had enough, wanted to leave, and opened his mouth silently with a pained expression to plead.

"Help." Cas added, pointedly, reminding the taller man of both his blocking proximity and the angel's own incapability at present. The hunter started back into the present and focused.

"Right, yeah, where do you want to go?"

"Bathroom." Dean nodded and helped Castiel stand. The angel bit his lip and drew a sharp breath only to hold it. He really didn't want the guy walking at all, and hopping would really jar his stitches. Cas was already squinting ahead doggedly in pain.

"Hey. I don't want to tread on your toes man, but this isn't a good idea."

"What. The bathroom?" Cas retorted sarcastically under shallow breaths, turning a glare on Dean, who rolled his eyes.

"Come on. I already know how big your junk is dude. Chrysler building right? Look, the harsh truth is that the longer you're stubborn about this, the longer you get to feel like that. We've all been there, and we'll be there again, but God knows Sammy and me already waste enough time on this crap as it is. Be the smart one okay? No one's looking down on you." Cas met his eyes for a while, searching, debating, before nodding finally, and looking away.

"You two do spend a proportionally large amount of time having to recover from extended exertion." Dean just rolled his eyes and nodded at the monotone.

"Yeah yeah, don't get righteous on my ass when you're still panting standing upright." Cas rolled his eyes this time, but finally gave in with a nod.

Dean temporarily let go of Cas, who swayed dangerously, and swiftly presented the angel with his back.

"Okay, climb on." It took some awkward limb negotiation for Cas to drape himself over Dean's back and wrap arms around the man's shoulders. The hunter hoisted up his smaller, and thankfully lighter, friend. Cas managed to swing one leg loosely around Dean's waist under instruction and the other Dean griped and lifted gently, more for balance than anything else.

Cas shifted and squirmed a bit.

"Better get used to it." There was a faint grumble from above that made Dean smirk. "Besides, could be worse, Sam's way taller than I am.

"Yes, you're right. Much taller."

"Hey!" Dean protested, though he was laughing, beginning the small way to the bathroom. "Like you're one to talk short stuff." He could practically feel Cas ruffle at that, and chuckled a little.

"Don't call me that." Dean laughed a bit more.

"Aw, come on, its cute!" He teased.

"Right now I do not feel _'cute'_." Cute or not, it was adorable that Cas pressed air quotations into his chest at the word.

"Well, yeah. But I blame Sam for that, it's not your fault you're wearing his jumper… In fact, remind me to pick you up some clothes." Cas frowned at Dean in the bathroom mirror as they arrived.

"Why?" Dean met the reflected gaze with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I'm not having you waltz around in scrubs. We'll find some things you like, and we can wash your coat if you want.

Cas' eyes seemed to clear a bit, some of the ice thawing.

"You'd do that? Buy me clothes? Even though I can't repay you?"

"Yeah! Course I would. It's what friends do, families, I know we aren't always great role models for normalcy, but we can be generous _sometimes_." Cas nodded a little, gaze dipping away.

"I know that, Dean." It shouldn't make him happy to hear those soft but convinced words. But it just did.

"Well, say that in front of Sam and I'll get you a full on tuxedo." Cas laughed a little for a second before paling and fixing his gaze off, snapping his mouth shut. "Woah, okay." Dean hastily sank to his knees and offered Cas the toilet, onto which he promptly grabbed and vomited. One tense hand clutched the bowl and the other gripping the least injured area of his stomach for dear life.

"Easy I've got ya." Cas coughed and clung on instead of replying, moaning with the pain caused by the expulsion and shivers. Dean rubbed his back for a few moments of retching. It had to be agony on his desiccated stomach. "I'll go find you a toothbrush." He suggested, and got up.

Dean left the spare toothbrush and paste next to Cas with a glass of water and proceeded to support his ever-slumping angel, feeling the warm body coil into his side automatically whilst the trembling and dry heaving went on. Dean remained sympathetic, knowing that for all its wonders morphine was a bitch.

The attack finally whirled down to an end, leaving Cas a shaking heap of pain and misery on the floor. Dean held the angel against his side while he panted, running a hand through sweaty hair. The man just waited for the few minutes it took for Cas to regain some small amount of composure and collect his breathing, the pant sounding less like keening whines and evening out, the hand around the stomach relaxing to a more gentle pressure.

"Feeling any better?" It was a mark of Castiel's misery and discomfort that he just shook his head against Dean's chest piteously. Of course, other than the brief spell in the hospital that one time Cas couldn't have experienced anything like this. And at least then he'd been unconscious for the worst of it and doped up.

"Yeah I get it. Here," Dean leant Cas back against the wall and passed the cup of water, toothbrush and paste into his shaking hands. "Try brushing your teeth, spit it all out in the bowl and try washing your face in the sink if you can." Cas nodded weakly, eyelids falling shut, Dean paused him with a hand from getting started, making sure he met the dazed eyes firmly when they opened. "If you _can't_ get up, _don't_. I'll just pack the car and get you some drugs, so just shout alright?"

Cas gave Dean a weary look that suggested he doubted his ability to shout at all, but the hunter had to accept that after the fiasco the angel had just endured he probably wasn't about to try anything beyond the distance from sink to floor.

Dean swatted Sam on the shin as he passed, procuring a roused grunt of annoyance.

"Alright Sammykins, up and at 'em." There was a groan and Sam rolled over, but Dean knew he'd wake up now.

Packing the car up was pretty quick, and he entered the room again to the sound of flushing._ Huh_, Dean was mildly impressed that Cas had the presence of mind left to dispose of the mess, although it could be just as likely that he tried to pull himself up by the handle.

With that sobering thought the hunter hurried to drop the angel's pills on the bed and hurry to his potential need for aid, passing a slumped-but-sitting Sam along the way.

Cas was slumped back on the floor, beneath the sink this time, and only just barely sitting upright thanks to the porcelain and close walls. At least the smell of mint was in the air now rather than puke, but the guy could barely lift his head to look at Dean, eyes flickering dazedly behind drooping lids.

"Okay Cas, I've got you." Dean reassured as he reached down and wrapped arms around the angel's back and under his knees. Cas' eyelids fluttered open a bit more in surprise, but soon pinched shut with litter shuddery inhales of pain as the human shifted him. Once safely aloft in his arms the smaller body calmed down, limp as it was and flopping against him weakly.

Dean carried him over to the bed and sat him down, unable to stop from running a hand through the messy dark hair when Cas slumped boneless towards him with a pained whine, head pressing against the man's side where it fell, lacking the energy to move away.

"Damn, Cas, hang in there okay buddy?" There was no real reply but Cas did his best to swallow down the pills Dean pushed into his mouth rather than choke on them. It was something. Still, he was pale as the dead and shaking, flushed, clammy and ashen looking whenever he moved.

Dean didn't like it. Not one bit. He wasn't used to seeing Cas so defenceless, and it made his gut twist sick with worry.

He propped the angel forwards to lean on his arms and hurried into the bathroom as Sam came out.

The routine was swift and soon Dean was back beside Cas' slumping form, pressing in beside him not a moment too soon as the angel keened feebly, trembling and panting and looking about an inch away from unconsciousness.

"Come on man, let's get you out." It would suck to be in the car with an injury and fever like that, but at least he could be lying down. Sam came in from taking out the rubbish bags of bloody towels and sheets, and immediately held the door open for Dean. The eldest brother only had to hold Cas' limp body against his own to get him into the right position to slide arms around him. With one smooth lift he carried his friend out to the impala and Sammy helped him drape the angel over the back seat.

Concerned at the fluxing chills and heat running through the smaller body, Sam insisted on tucking Cas up in blankets, something Dean was more than happy to allow. After buckling the lolling angel in as best they could, the two Winchesters decided it was time to get the fuck out of dodge.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Sorry this took so long; I struggled a lot writing this chapter, it happens sometimes. I hope its ok, I have most of the next one written already (pending corrections) and over the next two some plot shall slip into play (…maybe!) Till then, enjoy!

Oh, and also, I know how the show explained everything last episode **(SPOILERS!)** And, yeah, I kinda loved it. Seems like things are back on an even playing field, and how they explained it made sense to me with Dean's character and Cas'.

But, I ain't gonna cop out of the way this story was started. I made it pretty clear that Dean left Cas in this, so that's what I'll stick with. Just to clarify for ya'll in case you're worried about your angst fix till Christmas ;D

For now, Sam and Cas get to do a little bonding.

**Chapter 5.**

Cas slept in the back solidly for the four hours it took to skirt by Denver. The scenery was somewhat soothing, sunshine through the autumn colours, deep lakes and surrounding mountains.

Dean was driving in a state of semi-surrealism. He was feeling the effects of exhaustion from the night before, and something in his brain seemed to have departed in favour of letting him go into autopilot. The hunter suspected that the Higher Social Functioning part of his mind was taking a much needed break for R&R whilst the angel was asleep on the back seat. All he needed was a few hours of nothing but audible (non-headache inducing) music, good driving, and not having to think.

Sam seemed to have finally come out of the '_hunt-funk'_ and was researching cannibalistic Grannies every which way he could, thankfully silently. A brief pause of peace and relief blanketed the car.

By the time the Denver turnoffs and traffic was in the Impala's rear-view mirror, Dean felt a bit more like a human, and after checking off the five-hour driving mark pulled over into a decently sized stop. They needed food, Cas needed more meds, and they needed it now. Besides, the man knew only too well that there was little now between them and the boarder of Kansas to Oklahoma except for farming towns. Great for pulling over and quick stops, but bad for going by unnoticed. And with Cas looking like he was treading the line between life and death, they didn't want to be attracting any unwanted attention.

The hum of the Impala chugged off with the wrist flick it took to turn the keys and Dean drew a rousing, deep breath.

"Hey, I don't mind driving for a bit after this if you want?" Sam chipped in, evidently seeing the rather obvious fatigue. "You can catch up with what I've got on the case so far, it's pretty weird."

Dean was amazed, but grateful to his brother for not hounding him about Cas. It was what he had expected this morning would turn into.

"You're kidding me? _You_, don't want to third-degree me about this purgatory stuff?" Sam rolled his eyes at Dean's dramatics.

"Look, Dean… I get that crazy stuff happened down there, and whatever else, yeah I want to know what happened! But…" his gaze landed on Cas in the back. "It can wait, y'know? Us fighting isn't what Cas needs right now. He's pretty banged up." Dean followed his brother's gaze, and couldn't help but agree with him.

With a nod the hunter got out of the car and went round to the side where Cas' head rested, opening the door and crouching down. The angel looked pale and drawn, a thin film of sweat resting on his forehead and his hair was mussed up every which way. Dean reached out a hand to clasp a blanket-clad shoulder, shaking gently.

"Cas, come on, time to wake up buddy." There was a grouchy kind of moan that made him snort purely at the knowledge that Cas would more likely face down ten demons than make such a disgruntled noise when awake. "Come on, up and at 'em." A frown knitted Castiel's eyebrows before sluggish eyelids worked open.

Cas moaned at the light and Dean hurried to hover a hand over his eyes to offer shade. Out of it blues rolled tiredly towards him in thanks before closing again.

"Hey, hey now, come on, you can sleep later. Help me with him would you?" Sam nodded and slithered awkwardly to fill Dean's position when the elder Winchester crouched in the foot well. "Lets go angel." He pulled the blanket off and pushed Cas towards the door gently as Sam hoisted him up and out, one arm around the angel's damaged stomach securely. The smaller man groaned and tried to cling on to Sam with weak fingers, but was easily hoisted out.

Dean clambered out after, watching as his brother basically held the sagging angel up whilst Cas twitched and panted, body lolling around the protective arm wrapped around his waist. He'd been right, Castiel's muscles were shot, he could barely keep himself upright even if his legs _weren't_ shaking enough to bring him down.

"You're gonna be alright Cas, I've got you." Sam tried to soothe, because evidently the level of weakness Cas was experiencing was freaking him out some, little uneasy whimpers tugging at his lips. Hell, Dean couldn't blame him.

"Easy does it, we got you, just moving you out for a break and some air, maybe some food." Dean encouraged, coming up close and helping Cas straighten. Wrecked, loose eyes caught briefly at his before slumping further and falling away with a weak noise. "Come on," Dean started again to Sam, "lets get him sitting down over there."

The picnic area was strewn with fall leaves and probably a bit too chilly for someone in Cas' condition to be sitting out in, but they would draw much less attention like this. However, when Sam went to move the angel reached out and caught Dean's arm to halt the progress. Blue eyes managed to catch his even though the angel couldn't raise his head.

"What is it, Cas?" Dean asked, bending down along with Sam to hear the angel rasp out the word 'bathroom'. He felt nauseous himself. "Oh no, Cas, you're still feeling sick?" He groaned, partly sympathetically and wishing his friend could cut a break, Cas frowned at him as if Dean was either being obtuse or he himself didn't understand something. Possibly he thought Dean was being a jerk and the hunter cursed himself again.

"Yeah, okay, you heard him Sam." His younger brother looked sympathetic too, and easily enough bent down to heft the smaller angel into his gigantor arms. Cas shifted a little uneasily.

"Its okay Cas, I'll get you there, Dean d'you wanna grab us some food?" He startled for a minute at the idea of splitting up, but Cas really didn't need both of them with him, he supposed.

"You're gonna be okay?" He questioned, because really Sam didn't spend too much time with the angel. But Sam nodded, a bit determined, and Cas was just looking vaguely from one of them to the other with tired curiosity. "Well, alright, but meet back here soon okay?" Sam nodded and headed off, and Dean forced himself to relax.

_**=BREAK=**_

Sam carried Cas into the nearest block of rest rooms, thinking that there should probably be more strain on his arms than there was. The angel's gaze was flickering to and away from him with morose unease. It had to be pretty disconcerting to be almost entirely unable to move, not to mention the two of them hadn't really spoken alone since the angel came back from purgatory.

However the hell _that_ happened. Sam didn't even know how Dean got out for crying out loud.

The stalls were thankfully freshly cleaned, not that it made a huge difference, but Sam could be thankful for the little things.

"Here's fine." Cas mumbled, lifting an arm vaguely at the first stall.

"Okay, sure." He lowered the angel to his feet and Castiel gently pushed him back and away with one hand on Sam's chest whilst swinging on one leg round and into the stall, closing the door. The younger Winchester heard a muffled sort of collapse crash and sighed slightly.

"You alright in there Cas?"

"I'm fine." Came the bit back retort, Sam dropped his hands and nodded to himself. "Right, of course, just, call me if you need alright? I'm gonna hit the head." There was a mutter that he couldn't hear and then the sound of shifting.

Sam ran a hand through his hair and went to the other end of the restroom in order to give Cas a little privacy that he hadn't had much of the past two days.

He was worried for the angel though. Sure, it could just be because he was shot to hell and sick as a dog, but he was unusually mono-tonal and reserved. The Cas of days gone by was always able to butt into a conversation, or at least join in, and was always interested in the case.

But Cas seemed broken a bit, shying away like a struck dog and angry like one that was prepared to show his teeth. _Damn_, he really needed to stop thinking about the loveable canine he had left with Amelia.

Shaking his head from the maudlin thoughts, Sam thought about the way Dean and Cas were interacting. It was almost as if there was something painful twisting between them and then unravelling slowly to allow relaxation. A strange dance where no one knew what the next steps were. And sure, Sam felt bad for them, but he didn't know which one he trusted less with the other right now.

Of course, Sam loved his brother, always would. But Dean had changed over the years, gone was the man who would drop everything to help someone in need regardless of who they were. He was harsher, less honest at times, colder. In fact, having Cas back seemed to have warmed and opened his brother considerably, taken things back a little to how he remembered when Dean came to get him at Stanford. Sam was grateful for that, because it took the heat away from their own tension and yeah, he wanted his family to be happy.

But, where did that leave Cas? Dean had a history of a bad relationship with the angel; something said celestial being had more than contributed to in Sam's opinion. But, he too seemed to have changed. Whatever had happened before purgatory was done with, as far as Sam was concerned, and by the sound of it his brother too. Whatever happened _in_ there seemed to be the cause of this new tension. Dean had left Cas in there somehow, and Sam was still annoyed that Dean had lied to him about that and made out like the angel was dead.

And now… Sam was starting to wonder if it was really fair on the angel to be healing Dean if the hunter was just going to wave him off with a 'good luck, don't break the world again' when the man was feeling peace was made. And it made him feel guilty that he could think that about his brother, but with everything that was going on, he just didn't know anymore. Dean certainly seemed to be spending a lot of conversations, what little speech there _was_, with the angel reassuring him that he wasn't going to be thrown away like yesterdays trash any time soon. And the younger Winchester damn sure _hoped_ that was true.

Cas needed more than that, hell he deserved more, but Sam knew Dean wasn't big on the whole tag-along thing, and in the back of his mind the younger brother was dreading the day his elder would have had enough of Cas again. It could happen, their friendship was so up and down on both sides. But, if Cas left broken and defeated again, Sam didn't think he'd be coming back…and there was something so lost in the angel that it made him worry, really worry what exactly would happen after that.

Because the angel seemed pretty down on his luck, had been forcibly rejected from heaven before, and didn't seem to have any holy powers or allies on call right now.

Would he go off and become a hermit somewhere? Try and fight evil on his own?... Bottom line, Castiel was alone, isolated. And Sam wouldn't see him ruined the same way Amelia had been when her love was ripped away, wouldn't see him abandoned and struggling to cope and turn into the person his father had been after Mom died, wouldn't see him bitter and resentful and self-distanced like Sam himself had become when he went to college. There had to be better for the angel than that, he deserved more. And although he had resolved to try and believe in Dean's new-found dedication to Cas, that didn't mean he couldn't be a bit more hands-on for their angel too.

This time, Sam had decided he would stick around to help someone as well as his brother, and hopefully if nothing else, Cas would have another option, another direction to go down if Dean pulled another 'lone free ranger' moment. Not to mention, if that _did_ go down, Sam would have someone else as well.

He could admit to himself, the idea of helping Cas settle and find a place in the world was exciting, interesting, worthy. Maybe if Sam had someone from his old life with him when he started anew, he'd be able to stick with it…

And then maybe he could convince Dean to try and take some weight off his shoulders too.

If they could close the gates of hell, maybe start up a sedentary life like Bobby, somewhere where they could also live, maybe occasionally go out for hunts…

The sound of flushing broke the spell Sam was under and he realised he'd been obliviously washing his hands for a good few minutes now. Guiltily he dried them and hurried back over to where he'd left Cas. Shaking away the too far in the future thoughts when now was an unknown minefield of mistakes waiting to happen.

Sam doubted that letting their resident angel drown in a toilet was the best way to encourage Dean that real life was harmless and full of joy.

To be fair, Castiel could probably do with some encouraging on that front too. Last time he'd been this close to human needs the apocalypse was climaxing, and they'd been fighting pestilence and bleeding demons. It didn't leave much time for enjoyment.

"You all done in there?" There was a cough and a hand hitting the door, Sam jumped a bit until he realised that Cas was just pulling it open. Cautiously he peered around and found the angel slumped on his knees looking fucking miserable on the floor, one arm around the stomach that wouldn't take his weight.

"I can't get up." Came the low admission, there was a defeat there that Sam didn't like. A frown twisted his face and he bent down to the angel.

"Hey, we've all been there, Cas, alright?" The blue eyes that met his were so full of self-resentment that it felt like being stabbed, next second Cas was looking away, the look turned resigned and exhausted, numb, agony hidden beneath glazed emotionless angel-eyes.

"Can you help me up?" There words were barely murmured and distant. Sam didn't like the separation the angel was trying to utilise one bit, but he knew a coping mechanism when he saw one.

It was too early into recovery to do much other than try and keep the smaller man comfortable, so if Cas wanted to bring angelic stoicism and immunity in to help him out, Sam couldn't blame him. The guy hadn't had to deal with feeling this way for practically all of existence, and the hunter couldn't blame him for trying to comfort himself with old habits now.

Hopefully with some more pain meds and some food and rest, the angel would come back to himself slightly rather than continue in this rather forced dislocation of an existence.

"Sure thing Cas." Sam answered, quietly, calmly, aiming for soothing. He didn't miss the way Cas tensed resentfully at being in a position that required sympathy… But right now the angel had little choice in the matter.

After all, by the sound of it Cas was pretty much a kidnapped prisoner of Dean's will right now. Unconvinced and maybe unwilling to help in the hunt, or else Sam would try and distract him with that. As it was, he might try later anyway.

The man knew not to judge Cas' mental state too heavily whilst he was suffering from an injury like that, mental _and_ physical… Mentally or physically.

Instead he shifted closer and offered the angel his back. Looking over his shoulder, he saw a flicker of curious surprise on Cas' face.

"Come on, this way's better right?" He gestured vaguely with his hands that were waiting to receive the angel and saw a flash of grateful relief flit through blue eyes enough to lighten them. This was one thing Sam could offer at least, even if it wasn't the best way to hold someone with a healing leg, it was better than having Cas feeling so helpless and pathetic.

With a little struggle and a few heavy exhales as if Cas were about to faint from exertion, the smaller man managed to fist one hand into Sam's shoulder and drape the other arm around his neck, but he could only manage to drag his legs just close enough for the hunter to take them. Sam remained patient as he could, biting his tongue from the urge to help and briefly supporting Cas' hold around his neck whilst he hoisted up the uninjured leg before grabbing the wounded one, ensuring that leverage was coming mostly from the non-broken side.

It was easier to carry the angel like this anyway, truth be told, and he could see Cas looking around a little with more interest than he'd shown in days through the grubby mirrors as they exited the stalls. By the time they reached the picnic table Dean was tapping his foot with a nervous twitch and the angel was resting his head, intentionally or otherwise, on the back of Sam's neck, puffing weak breaths that felt cooler than the angel's heated skin.

When Dean started up and towards them Sam made an abortive little 'play it down' hand gesture which sharpened his brother's eyes until the younger huffed "Apple pie" across in a pretend cough. Green eyes cleared whilst Cas' head lifted up in confusion. '_Apple Pie'_ translated as; '_Situation Okay'_ in the ridiculous code Dean had invented years ago. They both knew that on pain of death the other wouldn't mock with _The Code_.

"I don't understand; there's no pie." Cas imputed with a frown as he glanced over the table contents. Sam caught Dean's eye and they had to look away in order to not laugh, as it stood they both couldn't fight down grins.

"No," coughed Dean, "but I did manage to score some doughnuts, Sammy's just complaining." Filling the part Sam humphed and kicked out the bench to sit Cas down. The angel eyed them curiously and then seemed to get typically bored with their human intricacies as if it required too much effort to comprehend. Dean hefted the table towards them and then sat down, dishing out the rations.

"Here you go Cas, have some Scooby Snacks." A few pills were passed to the angel along with a cup of orange juice. Cas unpicked the medicine and grimaced at their taste, hurriedly swashing them down with the juice.

Sam saw the moment of pure amazement wash over Castiel's face as he swallowed and eyed the cup of juice with astonishment. A faint look of joy crossed his face and tilted the corner of his lips and eyes in a gentle, open-mouthed smile of wonder. It was like the sun coming out over water.

Dean sat back simultaneously with his brother as Cas lifted the cup with both hands as if it was warming and slurped up the juice happily.

"Huh, well what do you know, I think we actually found something you like." Dean sounded pleased and surprised at this, Cas didn't pause in his gulping but opened his eyes to look between the two brothers mildly, caught somewhere between interested and questioning but mostly just aware rather than demanding an answer.

Dean just huffed in a chuffed way, shook his head a little and went to take a bite out of his breakfast, gesturing at Cas to help himself to the collections of food on the table. The hunter proceeded to indicate the different foods and describe them whilst the smaller man listened curiously. Sam, out of sight from his distracted brother and angel, jotted down in the leather bound journal he'd brought a few weeks ago the first entry somewhere near-ish the back;

_**CASTIEL**_

_Food:_

_-Orange juice._

_-Burgers._

He didn't quite know why, but it made him feel kind of good. Not a little because his words and 'relevant items to write' were such a ridiculous juxtaposition of his father's journal that it gave him some sort of rebellious joy. Somehow though, he liked to think his old man wouldn't mind, maybe he'd even crack a grin up there at his son's continued attitude.

_**=BREAK=**_

Cas seemed to do better when he got piggybacks rather than being bridal-lifted. Dean couldn't begrudge him this, but it couldn't last for long what with his healing leg.

Still, the angel had drunken two cups of orange juice and nibbled some other things down, so those were bonuses. Dean no longer worried he was going to pass out _immediately_ from fatigue and starvation.

Sam carried Cas back to the car and deposited him in the backseat. Dean took his brother up on the offer of driving. He was somewhat determined to stay awake and make sure that Cas got to sleep, but it was a battle he quickly lost thanks to sleep deprivation and whatever quiet crap Sammy was playing on the radio.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Gyah I have no excuse for this lateness other than Christmas… I hope that that's good enough…? Either way, work has started on the next chapter, and I had to re-write this one because in Version. 1. Cas somehow turned into an annoying brat O.o After he graduated the school of whining and managed to get back into character(ish, I don't know how well I achieve that!) then we could continue.

**PS:** Who's excited for the next episode?! I know I am! xD

**Chapter 6.**

Dean roused a few hours later when they were passing Goodland, Kansas. God dammit, why did they always have to be in Kansas when he woke up?

"Mm what did I miss?" He groaned, stretching. Sam looked over and then glanced back behind his seat briefly.

"Cas isn't doing too good man." The answer was quiet, tight, and clenched in Dean's gut like it was jack-knifed.

"What do you mean?" He questioned sharply, swinging around to look back at the angel. Cas was breathing a little unsteadily, blankets twisted around him in a way that suggested they were being repeatedly moved, sweat glistened on his forehead.

"He can't get any rest. I don't think the pain meds are working well enough. And he _really_ shouldn't be being bumped around in a car with those wounds." It was the truth, all of it. Cas should be doped up to the eyeballs on morphine in some hospital somewhere, not getting jostled around curled up on the backseat. Dean mentally kicked and cursed himself as he reached into the back and pressed two fingers to Cas' neck.

Wary blue eyes flew open and Cas lurched away from him.

"Hey, hey its just me. How are you feeling?" Cas shifted further away before settling down with a huff.

"Uncomfortable." He complained, unable to quite stay still. Dean watched for a moment, taking in the little winces and furrows of hurt that accompanied every squirmy movement.

"Is it pain?" Cas breathed out a shaky breath and nodded a little.

"Aching, it _wont stop_." He ground out, looking pretty stressed out about the whole thing. Dean couldn't blame him, nagging pain that wouldn't leave was one of the most draining things to deal with.

"We don't have any other pills we can use, not if we want to keep him on a vaguely sensible dosage." Sam supplied. Cas fought his way over onto his side, face pressed into the seat and back facing the brothers, huffing a little shaky breath into the cushions with discomfort.

"…Try to get some sleep Cas, it should help it pass quicker." There was a grumpy puff of breath that Dean could sympathise with, because, yeah, easy enough to _say_ get some sleep.

They had to keep going though. Already because of last night they'd lost about six hours on the road, and with all the stops they were pilling on the time. Sylvester had said to hurry, and Dean wanted to, but he wanted to push Cas even less.

In the back the angel kicked his legs out and away from the blanket with a miserable sort of 'mph' moan, never quite stilling. Dean could only hope that fatigue was going to be stronger motivation than pain so the guy could get some sleep. Because that was really the _only_ thing Cas should be doing right now... That he should have to worry about right now.

"So, what did you get on the case then?" Dean asked instead, trying to distract both himself and hopefully provide Cas with something else to focus on whilst he tried to sleep.

"Well," Sam began, happy for distraction himself. "Seems like it happened all at once, not just one pensioner but, literally, about twenty at once. All 'went mad' and started eating their neighbours, families, grandkids… alive."

"Nice dude."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, apparently once the cannibalism strikes that's it, they would keep going. But there's no other noticeable change to behaviour, they usually only manage one victim before they're caught of course and none of them are denying anything."

"So what are we thinking? Curse? Last time I was down in those parts there was some Hoodoo thing going down, could be picking up again?"

"Yeah, or ritualised murder, demonic possession, really right now the possibilities are pretty endless. I'd go as far as possession but it would have to be some mass collection of spirits because it was pretty much simultaneous, and it's still going. Only seems to be the over sixties affected though."

"Maybe some kind of ghost sickness then? If it's spreading. Any contact between the victims?"

"None out of the ordinary, but it's a small town, 'everyone knows everyone else'. The police report is a complete shambles."

"Typical shoddy backwater-cops then."

"Looks like."

"Mmm." It wasn't much to go on, they had far too many possibilities.

"There isn't really a lot we can rule out before getting down there and seeing for ourselves, we really need to rule out some options before we can even start." Dean groaned in response and rubbed his face.

"Alright, I'll do some digging, see what I can find." He dragged out his phone and dad's old journal from the glove box and settled down for some good ol' fashioned research.

He wasn't getting much an hour later, and was becoming increasingly worried about Cas. The angel was barely sleeping in fits and starts, restless and never managing more than a couple of minutes doze at one time. His breathing was becoming shakier and more laboured, weak little moans and whines escaping him with every frequent, harried movement, swiftly hushed up but audible enough to two trained hunters. Eventually, it seemed to reach a head along with Dean's concern.

"C-can we stop? I'd really like to stop." Dean glanced first at Sam's concerned face and then back at Cas' desperate pale one. He was shaking and ashen again, breathing with anxious little keening breaths. Sam glanced at the signs around them on the freeway before replying.

"Think you can make it another thirty minutes Cas? We can pull over at a rest stop then." Dean watched, throat tight, as Cas snapped his mouth and eyes shut, nodded tightly.

"You gonna be alright till then Cas? Come on, what's wrong?" Dean coaxed, knowing they couldn't well pull over right now anyway, maybe he could just distract the angel till then even if there wasn't anything he could do right now to help.

"…I want to sleep, I ju- I just want to sleep." Cas admitted, voice weak and lost, confused. Dean leant round between the seats as far as he could and captured Cas' too-bright eyes when they opened.

"Okay, okay, its alright. Just try and sleep for another half-hour and then we can stop alright? Just thirty minutes." Cas was closing his eyes, nodding again wretchedly, but leaned away when Dean reached to put a hand on his shoulder.

Cas breathed out, panted really, Dean managed to grab his shoulder and could feel it shaking, too warm. He gulped at his friend's withheld distress and felt guilty tendrils wrap around his chest. Because they couldn't just stop, and love his baby though he did, he knew that no car ride was smooth enough for that horrible wound on Cas' stomach. Had to be murder right about now. And there the angel was, facing it as stoically as possible… Dean really hoped that Cas didn't think this was going to become a theme.

"Alright buddy, just twenty five minutes now alright?" Dean had no idea how to help, but Cas was getting pretty tense back there and he had to do something, even if he just bluffed his way through the next half hour. The angel made a strangled sound as if time wasn't passing nearly quick enough, and nodded fractionally again.

"That's good Cas, you're doing really well, just keep breathing nice and slow for me, try to relax." It really wasn't that good, Cas couldn't relax at all, instead winding tighter and tighter, and Dean couldn't blame him. But he figured that encouragement was the only thing he could really offer right now, and the angel didn't need to hear how badly he was breathing.

Dean tried rubbing Castiel's shoulder but he shifted away with a grunt and whined in twin warning and annoyance when Dean tried to take his pulse again. The hunter pulled the blankets loose and rearranged them but it made no difference, the angel remained shivering and turning to get comfortable underneath the cover. He was at a loss and turned back to sit in his seat with a weight of failure crushing his chest. He cast Sam a half glance to see what admonishment was lurking in his brother's eyes, but only found his own worry reflected.

"Try rubbing his stomach? Might help distract from the pain?" Sam seemed to be equally as wanting to not make Cas' life an utter misery. However, when Dean turned back and tried gently rubbing over the damaged stomach to maybe ease some of the aching the angel growl-whined and fought away until Dean stilled him fast and firmly with a hand pressed heavily onto a heated forehead. His heart thundered at the idea that Cas had reached the point of tension where just nothing could help at all and was just going to hurt himself worse. Because he didn't want to be in a car and he didn't want to be touched and he didn't even want to be helped. That much was clear from the sick, resentful glare from beneath half-hearted, half-stressed out eyes.

Not taking no for an answer, Dean claimed the angel's pulse under his fingers again, noting with worry that it was only getting faster and less steady.

"Gotta step on it Sam." Dean suggested quietly, watching Castiel's eyes start to roll upwards and away, weak pants getting a bit more desperate.

"I am Dean. Fifteen minutes."

"Crap." Cas bit off a moan and clenched his eyes shut again, stilling himself.

"Hey, shh, easy buddy, you're doing great." Cas just opened his eyes and glared pointedly at the ceiling.

"Hey, you are, come on, relax." The angel just breathed out a huff, frowning away and looking around the car in a vaguely panicky manner. "I _can't_. It won't stop aching."

"I know buddy, some wounds just suck like that." Dean replied, automatically, sympathetically, but hating himself that he couldn't help. The car went over a bump on the road and Cas flinched, gasped and whined, flung desperate eyes around the car, searching for some kind of exit.

He choked out a fragile, uneasy sound that sounded way too close to tears for Dean's tension and clamped down on _everything_.

Dean shook the angel's shoulder a bit, stomach tightening like a vice at the wall Cas had become. The smaller body was trembling from head to toe, face turned away, biting his lip. Dean felt his stomach clench again as Castiel panted and flinched through the pain, going quiet and stiff and still. His breaths held a ragged rattling, and he didn't know what on earth the angel was shutting down in his head to deal with the pain but was just glad that he was still managing to hold it together... even if it was in this weird, non-responsive lock-down.

The freaky silence dominated the car and set both hunters' instincts on the frits. Dean withdrew his contact from the angel and watched instead, mouth dry, glancing frequently at the mile markers on the road. The angel's body seemed to weaken with every shake until he was tension-less. It wasn't an improvement.

Dean met Sam's widening eyes as the air in the car seemed to drop down like siren weights of danger. Turning back to their really-fucking-not-doing-good-at-all friend the older Winchester's hand shot out to grab at Cas' shoulder. The angel was as limp as a rag doll, face collapsed of tension and eyes rolling up a little behind bloodless, hooded lids, trembling in every loose limb as his breathing became atrocious. Sam gunned it without encouragement at the closed-throated wheezing rasps from the back seat.

By the time they finally pulled into the rest stop and over into a space, Cas didn't respond to the cease in motion at all.

Dean lurched out of his seat and hurried round to Cas, Sam doing the same. The angel was coated in a pallor that even paled his lips and Dean could see a little water hanging around his completely unfocused, glassy eyes.

"Jesus. Come on, let's get him out of here for a minute." Because Dean was sure being cramped up in the stale air wasn't helping the guy any. If anything even could now. Cas was limp and nearly lifeless apart from making a fractured, pleading moan when the two brothers moved him out of the car to lie flat on the grass. The move increased Cas' shaking tenfold and he promptly started jerking and then choking, gagging. Dean swore and hurried to turn Cas over as his eyes rolled up and he started vomiting weakly. Sam held one of the angel's hands that was unresponsive and loose in his own and shot his brother a panicked 'I don't know how to help him' look.

Dean could sympathise far to well with that. Cas was gasping and moaning in a begging kind of whimper in between retching convulsions. Whatever was coming up looked horrible and mostly bloody bile or froth. Once the horrible attack was over Cas was just hanging limply between them and keening with every barely there breath. After allowing all three of them a minute, Dean rubbed Cas' back and eased the smaller body up against his chest, where the angel gasped, tensed minutely and made an escaping movement before flopping and crumpling inwards with a moan, arms dragging to wrap weakly around his stomach.

"Shh, shh." Sam was whispering, soothing, hands on the angel's shoulder and forearm as if that might prevent him from imploding. His freaked out eyes flashed to Dean. "What the hell do we do? We can't stay here. We have no more medicine for him. Even if we take him to a hospital he's got to go back in the car.

"I know, I know." Dean ran a frantic hand through his hair, hating not knowing how to help. How Cas was getting worse. Getting sicker, weaker. "Okay, we'll give him five minutes break, try to get him moving around a bit, maybe that will help with the pain, or at least tire him out enough to go the fuck to sleep." Sam worried his lip, evidently about as happy with everything as Dean was. "Bottom line, we have to keep moving Sammy, he's going to be stuck in the car for at least another day whether we rest now or later. If we can get a few more hours in then at least we can stop for a longer rest in a half decent motel."

"Yeah, yeah okay. But we might not be able to push him that long Dean." Sam pointed out. Dean glanced down at Castiel, held up by the both of Winchesters, looking two paces from either death or a colossal break down.

"We at least need to get to civilisation, there's no motels for ages around here, nearest town is Hays if it comes to that." Sam nodded his assent and Dean steadied himself with a breath. "Okay, come on Cas."

The hunter pulled Castiel tighter against him, taking note of his ensuing moan at the movement and uneasy breathing, and dragged them both to their feet. Cas whined and could barely cling on, breathing turning frantic, eyes clenching shut.

"Hey, shh, its okay, just gonna get you moving a bit, lean on me, that's it." Cas was pretty much draped over him, head lolling and breathing turning rapidly erratic. Sam grabbed the angel's upper arm on the other side whilst it remained clamped to his stomach. "Ready? Okay."

Together the Winchesters started forwards, a buzzing of manic 'God what the hell are we even doing' blurring through Dean's head before Cas was gasping and buckling in their arms.

"Stop! Stop, _please_." Cas pleaded desperately with something near enough to a sob to stop both brothers dead.

"Dean I don't think-"

"Yeah I know I know." _Bad idea_. They lowered Cas back to the ground and he slumped feebly over, caught only by Dean's quick reflexes and cradled to his chest. The angel's face had gone white and grim again even as he trembled like a leaf.

"Fucks sake." Dean swore, breathing a bit fast himself now and wondering just why he was allowing himself to panic when Cas really needed him to know what the hell he was doing.

"Dean, people are staring." _Great_. That's all they needed. Curious bystanders. "We have to get him back in the car, we should try and get some way away from here. There's too much attention."

"Alright."

"No, don't." Castiel's hand was clenched just barely into Dean's shirt, looking up with dizzy pleading eyes, desperate to not go back in the car. "Dean," His heart stopped, memories whipping through him at the begging utterance of his name. Cas was finally breaking.

Why did he keep hurting this angel?

"I'm sorry Cas. Come on Sam." Cas struggled pathetically against them as they lifted him back up and got him back in the car, tears taunting in his fogging eyes and a litany of 'no's spilling from his lips.

"I just want to sleep, _not here_, I can't…not in here," Cas was leaning on Dean heavily, fists curled into his shirt and distress straining his voice.

"I know Cas, we're trying to get you somewhere okay? Just a bit longer." He detached the angel and saw Cas' face break as he slumped back. Dean ran round to the drivers seat with Sam already inside and floored the car. Cas was panting tearfully in the back and looking around for some sort of relief that he couldn't get, some sort of escape.

None came, and Cas weakly slumped down to his side, staring at the ceiling in some kind of destroyed misery as his eyes closed. Dean kept glancing back in the mirror, the only sound in the car that of Castiel's increasingly frantic breathing. The hunter could see him start to squirm again, fighting back whimpers that were increasingly, agonisingly tear-chocked.

They managed ten minutes on the road before Cas started really struggling again. The shaking increased and his hands clenched weakly, eyes pinched shut, pale but for the darkness under his closed lids. Far too soon he was making horrible strangled back noises of pain, stress, misery.

"Nn-_Dean_," The plea had Dean meet Sam's own frantic eyes, they were still about 20 minutes from Hays.

"Come on, hang on Cas, just a bit longer, twenty minutes." Dean begged back, pleading that the angel wasn't about to-

Cas cried in despair and kicked out at the back door, face torn and desperate.

"Dean let me out! I don't want this!" Cas shouted as much as he could, breathing getting faster and faster.

"Cas I can't-"

The sob that finally broke free from the angel's throat tore Dean in half, dropped the atmosphere to horrid, twisting places.

"Help," Cas whispered the strangled word to the air, eyes falling shut with a shudder, another sob. Sam turned to glance back at the angel like a man with a twitch, alternating between that and Dean as Castiel began to cry helplessly, pushed over breaking point and left dangling without a lifeline. The car hit a bump and Dean winced, Cas flinched like electrocuted and gasped, already shut eyelids clamping down with a choking sound. Breathing became erratic and gasping with pain, the angel keening and gasping and crying and pretty soon he was surely going to hyperventilate and Dean felt panic grip him viciously as his friend began panting and writhing in the back.

"Stop. _Stop._ Stop! _Stop stopstopstopstop-"_

"Oh fuck _Cas_." Dean swore in horror, seeing the angel start to completely freak the fuck out in the back seat. "Hang on okay! I'm gonna pull over, just hang on." Sam looked utterly petrified as Cas started thrashing and sobbing deliriously in the back like an animal going into death throws.

Dean could not pull over fast enough, swerving into the first big enough patch clear of trees he could find and killing the engine. Before either of the brothers could make a move Cas was grabbing and flailing at the door till he fought it open and pushed out, nearly spilling onto the ground. Dean dashed out, terrified he was about to see a flash of light and dark wings or just have the angel disappear. Cas staggered two steps diagonally and buckled, loosing the use of his legs Dean watched him drag himself forwards in a desperate half crawl away from the car and drop two feet later beside a tree.

He and Sam were both around the car by now and Dean quickly stooped to grab the blanket that the angel had been under from the Impala. Cas' piteous attempt to curl in on himself was hampered by wracking sobs and shivers. In the seconds it took to reach the angel from the car Castiel had given up, collapsed and lay limp and crying jarringly on the ground, face buried in the grass and gasping for breath between wet sobs.

Dean gulped and crouched down slowly, desperate not to spook the angel. Sam was watching on anxiously, bent over with hands on his knees.

"Cas? Buddy? The older brother reached out and put a hand on the angel's shoulder, but received no reaction, not even a breath. Even his sobs were quieter, weaker, though they were continuous. He ran a hand through sweat mussed hair, but got nothing. Sam's eyes flickered to meet his, as Dean tried clicking his fingers in Cas' ear. Not so much as a flinch.

"Hey, freaking me out here man, come on, just say something, not gonna put you back in the car, I swear." After a period of nothing Sam tried shaking Castiel's ankle, then taking his pulse. Dean looked at him, asking.

"Weak, thready." Sam pulled a small torch from his pocket and prised open one of Cas' eyelids. The glazed pupil reacted to the light, but Cas didn't do more than retreat slowly. Just pulling away and lying half curled, crying quietly.

Dean slowly eased himself down beside the angel's head. "Sam, go find the first motel you come to and book us a room. He's not doing any more today, not for a few hours, he needs to rest in a proper bed. We can get him to a motel just about but that has to be it." Sam nodded, face set in determination and fret.

"Okay, what about you?" Dean settled back against the tree and threw the blanket over Cas.

"I'll stay and keep an eye on him." Another nod, Sam stood and turned towards the car but paused for a moment, looking back at his brother.

"Dean-"

"Hurry Sam, I don't want him staying out here for too long." With an air of defeat the younger Winchester relented, Dean watched him jog back to the car and leave, tyres squealing.

After the engine noise had died away, the hunter turned back to Cas and ran a hand through the angel's hair before swiping away a tear track, frowning.

"I'm here, buddy. I've got you." Cas didn't respond, body still hitching occasionally with quiet tears. Biting his lip, Dean looked over his friend. Cas was in no shape to do anything more than sleep right now, and had just, for the first time in their considerably stressful friendship, broken down completely in front of him. Dean well remembered that he had cried in front of the angel within the first year, back when he'd thought of the guy more like 'Castiel' and less like 'Cas'.

"Sometimes I think you try too hard, Cas. You never did let go of that stick up your ass… Hell, even as a hippy you looked like you were just throwing yourself into it like a new cause, same when you were in the hospital too… Man," Dean laughed to himself a little here, but there was as much sadness as weak humour in the chuckle, "I swear you haven't relaxed _once_ in, what? Four years?" His laugh died down to a frowning smile that he hoped was less pity than empathy. "I think your life pretty much sucks." He huffed a little incredulous breath. "Maybe even more than mine and Sam's. Or at least about the same."

"I know I don't always 'express' that, but hey, that's my problem, not yours. And it might not seem like it, but, I do care, y'know… Maybe I don't always show it right, maybe I don't even want to. But, you're a friend, Cas, hell my only friend…" He cast the unresponsive angel a glance and flustered a bit, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. Without words for a moment he shifted around till Cas' head was resting on his lap, the weight somewhat grounding as Dean offered a massage-like rub to the messy-haired skull. The pose was somewhat reassuring, familiar, even though he was sure he'd never done this with anyone before. He puffed out a breath to somewhat lessen the sentimentality of the moment.

"Guess I'm just saying that I don't want your life to suck. And, yeah, sorry that I'm kinda helping that right now.

The silence reigned on within the patch of trees until Cas kicked a leg out of the blankets with a weak pant of discomfort.

"I know, I know, just take it easy now buddy. Sam'll be back soon, I'm not gonna move you till then." Cas still hadn't stopped crying weakly, and became a bit more restless for a moment, whimpering and squirming under the blanket before giving up.

"Shh shh," Dean tried to shift and arrange the blanket in a way that would allow Cas more ventilation for the fever-heat on him, but the shaking had started in his hands again as fingers skittered through the grass for a fragile grip on reality.

"Easy buddy, easy." Cas twitched inwards with a shudder and went limp with a faint exhale. Dean gulped, hand tensing in the angel's hair as he watched the smallest of distressed frowns coat Castiel's pallid face, the angel's breath coming in horrible, slowly stuttered, shallow breaths, tears still breaking on his eyelashes.

The horrible thought occurred to Dean that he might be loosing him. That these could be Cas' last breaths, drawn in pain and fear and loneliness. He clenched his hand in the smaller man's shoulder, other rubbing harder through his hair.

"Oh no, you're not leaving, Cas, not like this. Just keep breathing, in and out, it'll get easier, you'll be fine. I know, you just need some fucking rest, you've just got to hang on for me for a little bit longer, then you can sleep all you like. God you just need a fucking break, dude. You'll get one, I swear. But only if you keep breathing. We both know there's no death down or up there, no matter where you go. So just give me a little longer alright? We've gotta get a chance to make this right this time, you and me, Cas, I swear we deserve another chance. Just keep breathing for me buddy."

Whether because Cas was still lucid enough to hear him, or because the angel was going to keep going regardless, the breathing continued, and Dean continued trying to coax the life back into the stressed out body lying on him within the blanket of quiet trees.

Sam got back within twenty minutes, and extracted himself from the car to hurry over.

"Got one, seven minutes away, think he can make it." Sam's face was all tension. Dean gripped Cas' shoulder one last time.

"I think so. He's our tough-nerd-angel after all." Sam didn't manage a smile, Dean's own died pretty quickly. He knew Cas wouldn't understand this; that it was just going to be seven minutes and not another four hours.

"Alright, up you come Cas, last time I swear." Cas made a pathetic resistance, being that it was only a vague curling of fingers and a weak, desperately pleading sob as they rolled him over and lifted him carefully.

Trying not to jar him too much, they carried the angel back to the car and Dean snuck into the back with him. He wrapped an arm around the slumping body and brought Cas' forehead to press heavily into the crook of his neck, hot and lolling through increasingly panicky sobs. He could feel the limp body starting to shake again increasingly.

"Foot down Sam."

"On it."

He didn't think he'd seen Sam drive faster in his life.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Oookay, now don't worry! This story is DEFINITELY NOT abandoned! I am currently working with huskies in Austria for a bit, therefore I don't have set days off in which to work on stories regularly. So it's just a bit hard to get regular updates, as I'm busy with all the dogs and fluff!

I am sorry though, I do feel bad, and thank you all so much for being so lovely and encouraging and inspiring. n_n

**Chapter 7**

They made it to the motel in five minutes, and by that stage Cas was delirious and writhing from pain, hot to the touch.

Sam had gotten a decently out of the way room and they managed to park close by again. Dean couldn't relax though until he'd carried the angel in, got him out of the stained clothes and into bed. Cas lay limp with tense breathing for a while, Dean knelt beside the bed and squeezed his shoulder.

The blue eyes that met his could have shredded his soul from all the pain, confusion and misery in them.

"Rest now, Cas, we've got you. Sleep all you want." He couldn't tell if Cas believed him or even understood, but his breathing evened out some and his eyes slipped shut. When the angel's face had mostly relaxed save for a small frown, tension eased from the room. Dean breathed out a long exhale through pursed lips and stood. Sam watched him from where he was on his laptop at the table.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, now _he_ is." Dean replied, glancing over his shoulder. Sam looked over too.

"How long do you think he's gonna need? I mean, we've been cutting it pretty close all day." That was an understatement.

"We're just gonna have to factor in more stops when we keep going. Every couple of hours at least, give him a chance to get out." Sam nodded.

"I just wish we'd checked sooner, maybe if we'd got that wound sorted out then-"

"I know. But we didn't, and we did the best we could under the circumstances…" They both looked over at their too-pale angel. "We'll take care of him, Sam, I know we can." Sam still looked doubtful, if determined.

"We're also meant to be working this case Dean, and Cas, we shouldn't move him for _at least_ a couple of hours. Are you sure one of us shouldn't just go on ahead?"

"No. Small town like this, we'd have to move him eventually, and I'd much rather we all stuck together." Dean breathed a sigh. "Look, I'll go call Sylvester okay, give him a heads up. You see if there's anywhere we can eat around here and get some more medical supplies… Clothes for Cas too for that matter. I'll be right back."

Dean grabbed his phone and headed out to the front of the motel, basking in some sunshine whilst he dialled.

"_Dean! Where the hell are you man? I know it's a long drive but you could have called or something!" _ Dean raised a placating hand automatically.

"Look, I know, I'm sorry. We've got a friend riding with us who was banged up real bad in a hunt that we ran into on the way. Things are going slow-"

"_Well where are you? Is it at least close?"_ The hunter winced.

"Hays, Kansas, 'bout fifteen hours- Look, I know man!" Dean cut off the indignant squawking. "Hey, goy's like family, alright. We're not ditching him."

"_If he's that badly hurt shouldn't he be in a hospital? This isn't the place for him you know-"_

"Its complicated and he's coming. Believe it or not he can probably help, and either way it's better to have him around."

"_What on Earth are you talking about?"_ Dean chuckled.

"Lets just say the guy's lucky or something." Dean didn't know how much this was strictly true, but there was a reason they always called Cas.

"_Alright, well, whatever. You've got your reasons, and you're the best hunter I've ever seen… But what am I meant to do here man? People are getting hurt."_

"I know." Dean jumped in quickly, "And I've got some things for you to investigate, if you can, me and Sam are doing all we can from our end, but things will go a lot faster with some info." There was a satisfied little huff of breath. Having a plan made everyone feel better.

"_Well, alright then, what do you need?"_

"Okay, great. Now, remember, only go to the houses under police lockdown. I can bail you out but I can't grow you back any limbs that someone's nana's been chowing down on."

_**=BREAK=**_

The brothers warded the room, then went and got food which they ate at the motel. After that Sam said he'd go pick up some more medical supplies and get some food for the road so that they didn't have to rely on anything bigger than a lay by when they needed to get Cas out. Dean waited for him to get back and monitored their comatose friend's breathing. Upon Sam's successful looking return, he went clothes shopping for Cas.

He had no idea what the angel liked, so he went purely on comfort and ease of use. He found the local old clothes shop, charmed the old lady behind the counter and got some price bargains on a hardy army jacket, some decent jeans, a smallish duffel bag and a sturdy pair of boots. Then he went to the souvenir store next door and managed to talk guns and hunting till he got a price bargain on an oversized jumper saluting Hays, a pair of sweatpants saluting Hays, and a large t-shirt saluting Hays. Finally Dean traipsed next door to the halfway decent clothes section of the supermarket, where he got no price bargain but it was dirt-cheap anyway. Not knowing whether Cas would hate it or even care he figured it didn't matter too much if it disintegrated. After all, he and Sammy pretty much had to pick up a couple of new things every fourth hunt or so. Life was too short for darning.

Armed with his final spoils of three non-scratchy shirts and a pack of boxers, because like hell the angel would know the difference right now, and Dean needed a couple of new ones too, he headed back to base camp. Carefully removing the boxers from the pack and ditching it before he did so. No need for Sam to pass almighty judgement on how cheap his big brother could be.

Castiel was still asleep when he got back; Sam was on the computer, having laid out what they'd need to change the guy's bandages later.

"Any good drugs?" Sam glanced over at the bottles and shrugged.

"Nothing that's any better than what we had, but we've got enough to give him better doses for his weight now at least." Dean grunted in reply, and set about chucking the clothes that Cas wouldn't need into the new bag along with the road food Sam had grabbed. It was handy to not have to worry about opening the wrong bag and flashing a shotgun when you pulled over to give your heavily injured angel a glass of orange juice at a picnic spot. That and it would be easier if Cas threw up again to have everything on hand. To that end, he shoved the spare medication and supplies in as well.

That done, he settled down for a few hours to help research their little cannibalistic granny problem, look for signs of the tablet or Kevin, and try to discover if there was anything big in the offing. After two hours even Sam was getting tired of the dead ends, so they settled for TV instead and waited either for Sylvester to ring or for Cas to wake up.

Six hours after they arrived at the motel, Cas still wasn't showing any signs of waking, and Sylvester hadn't rung. Both these factors combined made Dean's skin feel itchy, Sam was getting a bit antsy too.

"Do you think he's slept enough?" Sam questioned eventually. It was 11 at night now. Legitimately they could stay over, catch up on some much needed sleep and get an early start. That's what they _should_ do. That's what Cas' body _needed_ them to do.

"I'm gonna call Sylvester." Dean announced instead.

It turned out the man had been caught snooping around and was now being held in the police jail and questioned by the _real_ FBI, who apparently hadn't managed to find all his cell phones. Dean didn't want to ask where the man kept them all.

"_Sorry man."_ At least in the lockup he was safe, so Dean let himself unwind a bit. Of course, there was still the fact that grannies were eating their relatives out there, that couldn't be denied.

"Dean," Sam began once the elder hung up the phone. His sensible soft voice was in full swing.

"We need to make a decision here."

"I know." Dean replied, but only with a little impatience.

"You want to get down there, but Cas needs this. Are you sure we shouldn't split up?"

"No! I mean, _yes_ I'm sure." He swung around to face Sam. "Like I said, we attract too much attention to stay long term, and Cas being the way he is, its hard to move him with just one person, not to mention, what if something kicks up again and whoever was with him needed to do another patch up-"

"Dean. We should take him to a hospital." At the words Dean blanched, Sam saw his brother's expression close and hurried on, pleading. "Look, I don't like it anymore than you do, but he's really sick, and I mean _really_. If we can't stay in one place, and we can't take care of him, then he needs medical help! Otherwise we might just end up-"

"Don't say it Sam!" He growled, Sam's expression hardened.

"We could kill him, Dean. This, this could kill him."

Silence hung in the air for a few far too long moments. Eventually Dean found his voice, or what was left of it, and spoke his quiet desperation to the carpet.

"He's an angel…"

"He's not been showing much evidence of that recently. Don't tell me you haven't noticed." His words shook the older hunter to the core. Of course he'd noticed. "Dean, what if he's-"

"He's not human Sam!"

"Well what if he is! _So what_ if he is? Dean, he's still our friend, what does it matter?"

"It matters to me!" Dean shouted, eyeing Sam. His brother's eyes closed and turned cold, Dean watched as he fucking sneered in disgust."

"Right, yeah of course. What's the point in having him around if he's human? Is that what your saying?"

"No, that's not what I-"

"God your fucking cold Dean! I know things went to shit for a while but for the love of God cut the poor guy a break! You're gonna ditch him just because he's not flying on angel airwaves anymore? What kind of a person are you? Did you only like him because he was useful?"

"_Jesus_ Sammy it's not that!" Dean threw his phone down on the table.

Then what is it?" Sam shot to his feet, shoulders squared. "Cos it sure as hell sounds to me like you're just hanging on the fact he's gonna magically recover, and if he doesn't-"

"Then it's _my_ fault!" Sam backed down a bit at the shout.

"What?" He whispered. Dean's face crumpled, and he ran a hand over his face and hair.

"Its not that I don't want him around if he's not Smitey Mc Smiterson anymore, Jesus. Its just…" There was the pause. He could divert now, or lie, stop from telling his brother the awful truth… Or he could admit to it.

"Down there, in Purgatory. We fought with everything we'd got to get out. Well at least, I did." Sam slowly sat down, face that sad kinda open, listening. "Cas, he… he was broken Sam, given up, spent. When I found him it took _everything_ I had to get him moving again, to get him to just _stand up_ and come with me. I'd found out about a way out y'see, from the…_things_ down there." Dean gulped and took a pause.

"That's the problem. We fought to get out, and Cas would do it, of course, but he never thought we'd make it. He didn't even really try. Though of course if we got attacked he'd fight us free. But down there, there were Leviathans and worse and…I just think he couldn't cope. Didn't want to be disappointed with a way out that turned out wouldn't work. That he never _thought_ would work…" Sam was frowning, like he didn't get where this was going, but he didn't like it. Dean sighed and gave it up, the words leaving in a rush.

"Dammit he never thought it would work and then I… I _made_ him believe me." Dean sat, dropping his face into his hands and speaking into his skin. "I promised and persuaded and forced him to believe it would work, and then, and then I…" Dean looked up. "He had just gotten so _weak_ Sam, and when we got there and the portal was gonna close and he couldn't, couldn't pull through and. And I left him. I just left him."

That silence again, stretching on. Dean didn't dare look up.

"I made him believe I would get him out, I promised him, he trusted me, and then I left him. Abandoned him. Everything he'd been worried about came true. Damn it Sam you should have seen his face." Dean ended in a half rasped whisper, slumped, eyes on the table. Sam, to his everlasting credit, took a minute to compose himself.

"Okay, okay, I get it, I get why he's like that." Sam took a breath. "But, that doesn't explain why you-"

"Its _my_ fault Sammy! If he's lost his angel mojo its because he had to scratch and claw his way out of that place, hunted and alone and exhausted, _hurt_, because I decided he was dead weight. And if we take him to a hospital, I'm abandoning him. And if I leave him here with you, I'm breaking his trust again. And if you leave here without me, then he'll think I'm just 'stuck here' with him… And if we take him…then I'm forcing him."

Sam looked petulantly outraged.

"Dean, have you even tried _talking_ to him?" Dean slammed his hand down on the table with enough force to make it shake.

"And what am I supposed to say Sammy? Sorry I left your ass in purgatory but I thought you'd just slow me down and that I wouldn't get out? Sorry I'm dragging you around the country but I have a guilt complex and I think you'll break and hate me if I don't keep you close? Sorry we're in this whole sorry fucking mess in the first place but you see _you_ broke out the leviathans and my brother's mind and dealt with a demon and got Bobby killed, and yeah, maybe I broke the first seal and caused you to die for me about three times and fall from heaven and always save my ass and maybe we'd be better off without each other but I actually really want this stupid, fucked up friendship to fucking _work_… Because…it's _Cas_, you know? He's just… he's _Cas_."

Sam gaped for a few moments like a fish.

"Again, are you going to _tell him_ any of this?"

"Do you really think he wants to hear that?"

"Yeah I think he fucking wants and _deserves_ to know that you actually think he's a friend!" Dean gaped at this.

"Of course he's my friend! Of course-"

"Then why are you two always acting like this? I _know_, trust me I _do_, that we had one hell of a screwed up childhood. And that he never even _had_ a childhood by all accounts. But all it takes Dean is some positive feedback! It's really not that hard to have friends!"

"Well maybe it is for me! And for him! And maybe I don't want to ruin it!"

"You _wont_ Dean! He just needs to know that you _care_! Not about whether he's an angel anymore, or whether he's able bodied, just say that you want him around and want to help him get better." At this, Dean levelled a look on Sam that was apparently dark enough to make his brother sit back.

"And do you really think he'll believe me?" Sam frowned, but not in confusion of the answer, just of Dean.

"_Yes_. Of course he will." Dean's snort had Sam glare and sit forwards. "If you stop pushing everyone away, and just keep doing what you have these last few days, than _yes_ Dean. Of _course_ he'll realise you care."

Dean froze, and it took him a few moments to realise what Sam had said that shocked him.

"You think I've been doing it right? This week?" The tone of his own voice made his gut clench, too small, too afraid. Sam's face crumpled, and then managed a smile.

"Yeah, Dean, you've been doing great. Kinda like when you picked me up from Stanford actually, and everywhere you dragged me too you saved every single person you could… I think your _good_ for each other." Here Dean snorted again, but more to cover up the sappy moment, the warmth pooling in his gut.

"Make it sound like we're an old married couple." He griped, smile coating his words despite the gruff voice. Sam smirked.

"Well you kind of are… although sometimes its more like newly weds in an arranged marriage. You like each other but because you cant pull away you don't know what to do with it." Dean laughed.

"Wow! Okay Dr. Feel Good, no more day time soaps for you." Sam had the decency to play along with a pout before laughing, and handed him a beer.

Dean settled down to drink with a smile on his face and an exhilarating, if freaky, lightness on his shoulders. If _Sam_ thought he was doing okay, then, maybe, maybe there was a way to make this all work out. After all, Sam may be a screw-up-kid too at time, but at least he'd managed to have friends.

The room was silent for a bit, maybe ten minutes, until there was a shift from the bed, a soft grunt and then a nearly shaky call of "Dean".

The hunter was up and over to the bed in an instant, crouched by Cas' side. The angel's eyes were clearer, bluer, but also a little…something he couldn't name.

"Hey there buddy, you alright?" Cas shifted a little and winced.

"Yes. I would quite like to wash." Dean looked over to Sam, who came by.

"You can't get the bandages wet Cas. We should change them now anyway, but… maybe a sponge bath-"

"Dude _nobody_ is giving anyone a sponge bath." Sam rolled his eyes.

"He can do the important bits Dean. I just mean a bowl and some water with a flannel. Don't be a baby."

Dean grumbled a bit, Cas just looked confused, and then tired.

"Never mind. I'm fine, just the bandages then." Immediately he felt like a jerk. Sam raised a pointed eyebrow.

"Ah… I was just kidding Cas. Course you can have a sponge bath. Come on."

"Dean." Sam reminded, pointedly. The angel managed to look exhausted, fed up and unnerved at once.

"Please, no more fighting." He begged, voice straining a bit and fast. Dean watched him close his eyes and then look off to the side, a bit distant. "I've had enough fighting." With a gulp, Dean softened is approach.

"Yeah, I know Cas. I'm sorry. Come on, let's get you up."

_**=BREAK=**_

Dean sucked it up and helped Cas lower into the shower. He and Sam had wrapped the angel's stomach in sticky plastic over the bandages to protect from water. As their motel had just a cubicle Dean aimed the showerhead as if he were wielding a precision weapon.

Pretty soon, he felt like a dick for nearly refusing to help his friend out. Cas seemed to melt when Dean rinsed his hair and scrunched some soap into it. The hunter had to admit, he smelt better for it too, even if he did look bedraggled. He ran a washcloth over the angel's back and arms with efficiency before handing it to Cas and gesturing him to carry on.

Of course, Cas managed to clean himself just about, whilst Dean looked with determination at the wall, but couldn't reach below his knees. The taller man was only too happy to take over at this point, duly thankful for Cas toughing it out and not having to become intimate with the angel's privates. Cas' feet were a bit battered from not wearing any shoes, but as he shouldn't be walking anyway it wasn't really an issue.

The broken leg was healing okay, but Dean was already aware that more stress had been put on it than was necessary. Cas too, was already slumped in the shower stall, eyes half-mast. Dean helped him out and handed him a towel, setting the angel down against the wall.

"See if you can dry off a bit okay? I'm gonna go get some clothes, be right back." He patted Cas on the shoulder and went to rummage through the duffle bag.

Sam raised questioning eyebrows and Dean shrugged in response, pausing in his search.

"He's exhausted. But otherwise seems o-"

The sound of vomiting punctured his sentence and Dean felt everything in him crumble as he turned back to the bathroom, Sam stood and patted his back with a frown.

"Don't worry, I've got this." Dean shook his head and followed anyway. Cas was gripping the porcelain with weak fingers and spitting up a long stream of red tinted bile.

"Oh Cas." Sam sympathised, dropping down beside the angel and rubbing his shuddering back. Cas just glanced up with sick eyes.

"Sorry," Dean jumped forwards, clothes in hand.

"No, hey, its not your fault. Come on we'll get you some water." Together they supported Cas as he washed his mouth out and helped him into clean underwear and the Hays sweatpants, and carried him back to the bed.

Cas just about managed to support his weight, leaning back on his arms, as Dean changed his bandages. They were a bit of a bloody mess, but after a bit of careful wiping the wound underneath proved to be at least trying to heal, in some small way. Dean tried to offer the pallid angel a smile.

"Not doing too bad Cas." Cas met his eyes groggily and briefly raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement of the comment. Dean frowned in sympathy. "Yeah, I know." He gripped Cas' shoulder in solidarity and proceeded to help the smaller man into the Hays jumper, trying to ignore how he looked like a walking advertism for the town.

Sam fiddled with his phone for a bit and then faced the issue hanging in the air.

"So… are we staying here for tonight or…" It was clear that if they were going to move, this would be the best time. Few people watching, get some decent miles under their belt before morning, they could pull over whenever Cas needed without worrying too much about attention or traffic. Dean looked between his brother and Cas, who was looking between the two Winchesters as if sizing up his options.

Angel looked damn apprehensive about going back in the car. Dean leant over and gripped his shoulder.

"Hey Cas, man, I want you to be honest okay? Do you think you can handle it right now?" The angel sighed, and closed his eyes briefly before meeting Dean's. There was still that frigid and tense separation, but there was something softer too, something like that old spark of Cas he hadn't seen in too long.

"Honestly? I don't think they'll be much improvement later." Hearing the admission tightened Dean's gut, but he slid down to sit beside the smaller figure anyway, making sure to meet his eyes. Cas was tiring again.

"We can do it better this time, I wont let it get like this again, okay?" Under his hand and assurance Castiel was trembling, eyes flicking briefly towards where the car was with some obvious fear and nausea. That kicked Dean in the gut too. Sam came to join them.

"Just let us know when to stop if you need. And we will, even if it's the side of the road, we'll stop. Otherwise, I've set my phone to go off every one and a half hours anyway so that we always stop then." Dean nodded in appreciation to Sammy before turning back.

"We'll be a little slower, so overall its still gonna take a long time, but we're batting for your team now Cas, you got that? You're the boss okay?" Cas frowned a little, unsurely and ducked his head.

"I-if you say so, Dean."

"Doesn't matter what I say Cas, what matters is if you think you'd be okay?" Cas paused in every movement briefly, and turned his face up to Dean, something lighter in his eyes, shading them more ocean than storm, he seemed on the verge of saying something, mouth parting, before holding himself back from it, expression clearing and focusing on Dean. The hunter was taken back to a barn, a long night long ago, and an angel staring into his eyes like his soul was displayed there holding up all the answers.

"I don't know what will happen… but I would be able to try… that is…" Here Cas trailed off.

"It's okay, Cas." Sam intoned softly behind Dean, sympathetically. The look the angel sent them next was tremulous and left the angel shaking almost with the very effort required to ask it. The thought of rejection.

"I-if I… If I need to stop for, for longer, or a while… c-can we-"

"God, _yes_ Cas, of course." Dean swore, voice rough with pain and guilt. He shook the angel a tiny bit. "I _swear_, I start doing anything that makes you uncomfortable, you feel free to just clock me round the head hard as you can from the back seat. Sammy too-"

"Hey!"

"Sammy too."

There was a long pause, Castiel meeting Sam's eyes before going back to Dean's. The angel took a gulp, took a deep breath, and nodded.

_**=Thanks for reading, see you next time…=**_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** If these boys didn't keep stopping to have Hurt/Comfort breaks and meltdowns then they would have got to Louisiana a lot quicker…. and dramatically shortened the story. As it is, I'm sorry for the delay, I just returned from travelling, so hopefully this will get regular once again.

This chapter is scary long! (Thanks Dean and Cas!) So that's my gift for your patience and encouragement you gorgeous people. ;)

**Chapter 8**

Getting Cas back into the Impala involved only a brief freeze before the angel (Dean refused to think of him any other way, no matter what his brother suggested) steeled himself and nodded to continue.

The Winchesters had paid up front for a night in the motel, so after packing up they slipped the key through the mailbox and headed for the road. Dean was glad to get back to getting miles under his belt; jitters from staying too long eased somewhat by the knowledge that they were at least heading for the hunt. Better late than never, he supposed.

Cas seemed unable to sleep for a bit, paranoid of pain and occasionally gripping the seat with nerves. Forty-five minutes into the drive however, fatigue had won out, and the blessed smoothness of the highway allowed for it. Sam muttered that in four hours they could give him some more medication, now that they had stocked up. Dean planned in his head that if they stopped for half an hour with Cas' first break point, then by the time they hit the second one it would be about right.

The first stop came at a small town called Lindsborg that Dean could say he'd never been to before and honestly never wanted to visit again. The gas was pricey, and Cas, although fine for the drive, needed to get out to go be sick again.

Sam fed the shaking and sweating angel dry crackers and water afterwards whilst Dean paid up and went to use the washroom, glaring at the offending building for a lack of people to direct his anger towards. Sam followed him not long after, and by the time they got back to the car they found Cas was struggling to drag himself away from the bush he'd already thrown up in once.

"Damn Cas." The angel said nothing, breathing heavily and loose eyed. Dean's heart clenched as his friend simply reached out to grab onto his arm weakly when he knelt down. With a huff of sympathetic breath the hunter wrapped his angel in a rare hug, half under the pretence of holding him steady, but there was no denying it really.

There appeared to be no fight left in the angel, for he allowed the contact with none of his usual stiffness, even going so far as to sigh and relax slightly when Dean rubbed a smooth circle onto his back. He didn't want to push it though, so swiftly the elder Winchester nodded to his brother and they carefully carried Cas back to the car.

"You alright for now buddy?" Cas managed a weak nod and pulled the blankets higher with a shiver. Dean helped arrange the material and patted the angel on the shoulder in camaraderie.

"Let me know, okay?" There was something that might have bean an affirmative noise, but the angel was falling asleep to quickly to tell. Sam was standing by looking darkly concerned, but waited until Dean had closed the door before proceeding.

"He's loosing too much water, not to mention that we can't get any food into him."

"I know."

"I'd suggest a drip if that were a good idea for us to attempt in any way." Sam suggested with an almost laugh, shaking his head. Dean grimaced at the idea.

"Yeah, heard you need a degree for that."

"Heard you need a degree for cutting out someone's infected muscle too. Not to mention all of the other crap we put ourselves through." Dean waved off his brother.

"_Monsters_ Sam, monsters put us through that. We don't do it for fun." He said nothing of Cas' injury, and Sam didn't either. "You want me to stop in twenty minutes? Give him some sips of water?" Sam looked thoughtful.

"Might be a good idea, yeah. If we don't give him too much, he can't throw it up right?"

"Hopefully."

And with that single conversation, the most frustrating drive of Dean Winchester's life began.

The tiny baby steps they took across the country were infuriating to the point of frustration. He would never say it, not where Cas could hear him and get the wrong idea, but it was pretty much the worst drive he'd ever had. Sam managed to gain satisfaction from every time he managed to help Castiel swallow down a fifth of a bottle of water without regurgitating it, but Dean couldn't find such minute successes worth celebrating. Once Cas could go for five hours straight without trying to hack up his internal organs _then_ he would celebrate.

Their next long stop came at about 4 in the morning at a pull over just past Derby and near the turnoff for a small town-to-nowhere called Mulvane. Dean had vague memories of some town names around these parts, and knew that they were finally, thankfully, getting close to the boarder of Kansas.

Cas managed not to throw up this time, thankfully. Although that could be because he was too busy being not-quite lucid anymore. When they pulled open the door to his side, he didn't even try to get out, or move except to breathe, a frown coating his increasingly pale face. Dean had been worried about him since their last water stop, where Sam had had to spend a good five minutes back there with him, trying to get him to wake up enough to swallow down water.

"Hey, buddy, you with me?" Dean tried, voice soft as he knelt down, rubbing at a blanket clad shoulder. Sam hovered worriedly behind him as Cas drew in a few deeper breaths, moving his head in a lolling motion to the side. "Cas?" Shaking the angel's shoulder elicited a whine, but managed to make Cas open his eyes. The haunted pain from yesterday was coating blue irises.

"Come on, you get some medicine now." Together with Sam he helped Cas sit up, and had to hold him firmly in place when his upper body threatened to fold. Dean saw that his limbs were shaking. "Talk to me, you feeling pain? Hot? What's going on?" Cas sucked in breath, looking like it was taking effort, and didn't meet Dean's eyes because he couldn't lift his own head up.

"Hey, hey." Dean shifted swiftly and lifted Cas' floppy head between his hands; feeling hot, sweat stained skin burning him. The shorter man opened glazed eyes again, half-mast, and managed to focus on Dean, frowning miserably and with pain.

"Cas…" Dean frowned, wondering just what state the foggy eyed man was in, his expression hurt and lost. "Do you know where you are right now?" Cas' painfully confused and swimming expression as he looked between Dean's eyes was nearly crushing.

"With you?" Cas asked, voice small and scared. Dean saw Sam's hands clench on the angel's body as he felt his own chest constrict tightly with misery, sympathy and a little bit of panic. He didn't know if there was any point in trying to get the angel to think any harder than that… and those eyes were looking at him for help, for safety and confirmation.

"Yeah. Yeah that's right Cas." Dean ducked forwards until his forehead bumped against Cas', releasing a harsh breath. The angel closed his eyes sleepily and Dean drew back, shaking him a little, gently.

"Alright, medicine." Sam hurriedly grabbed the bottles and slid in awkwardly next to them. Cas seemed to feel the weight next to him, or maybe the warmth, and leaned into it as if it was an invitation, slumping against the solid body in a way Dean was sure he wouldn't dare do consciously.

"Man Cas," Dean leant Castiel's head on Sam's shoulder without meeting any resistance, Sam looked vaguely worried and a little surprised. The older brother busied himself with fixing Cas' two pills together and pushing them into the angel's mouth. Blue eyes opened a little confused, and as Dean tipped the water bottle to his mouth the liquid sloshed everywhere as Cas' throat closed and he jerked back with a noise of discomforted surprise.

"Hey hey," Dean grabbed at him, focusing him, meeting unbalanced confusion in the other's eyes. "You've got this, Cas. Just swallowing, that's all, alright?" Another heavy frown, scared eyes.

"I don't- I'm an, I shouldn't-"

"Shh shh, _relax_ Cas." Dean insisted, Sam halted him with a quick hand motion and manhandled Cas until their eyes met, wide freaked blue to brown.

"Trust me, okay."

"Y-you shouldn't-" Sam tipped Cas' head back and nicked the water from Dean in order to tip it into the angel's mouth with one hand along with the pills. Against Cas' splutter the other hand came up to massage his throat whilst Sam covered his mouth. Dean tensed on tender-hooks at the chocking cough and jerk of the angel's body in resistance… But apparently, worryingly, Cas was no match for Sam's hand, and after a few painfully coaxed gulps the taller Winchester released his hold on the floppy angel to allow him to gasp and prise horrified eyes open to stare at the man.

"Take it easy Castiel." Sam advised, slowly, lowly. Dean could only watch between the two, not understanding what was happening. Unconsciously he reached out until he was holding Cas' forearm. Cas' arm rolled under his hand until he could grip tightly onto the man's arm for dear life, but his eyes were still on Sam.

"W-what did you… where, h-_Dean_." With the last word Cas turned frantic and fearfully urgent eyes onto Dean's own green ones. He sat back a bit in surprise before leaning forwards and placing what he hoped was a steadying hand onto his friend's knee.

"Cas?"

"You're here…but I, I-" Both brothers, despite Sam's previously collected disposition, jumped and jerked into abortive action when Cas flinched in on himself, curling into a loose ball with his hands over his face. Dean's heart tangled in a nasty pile up with his intestines as he heard the wretched sobs of yesterday coming from his angel again… but different, desperate hopeless and confused. Grief stricken.

"I d-didn't want you back here, I s-saved you!" Cas cried out, heartbroken. Dean shot his brother a confused and freaked out look, disbelieving that Sam's face had closed in saddened understanding with his mouth forming a little 'o'. Dean frowned at him briefly before moving on in favour of wrapping his arms around Cas and clinging on tight.

"You did, you did save me, we're not wherever you think we are dude, we're safe…" He trailed off as Cas actually clutched onto him with a desperate sort of noise, hand reaching up to where there was once a handprint of the angel, one that had faded sometime after… After Dean stopped believing in him. Or after Cas died with the Leviathans… he couldn't remember anymore.

Sam rubbed up and down Cas' back until the smaller body squirmed with a wriggle, trying to escape the touch or some other discomfort whilst not letting go of Dean. The angel's face pressed into the man's collarbone, his tears disappearing almost as abruptly as they'd come in favour of harsh panting. Dean struggled to keep his hold for a moment as the angel sagged and twisted into him at the same time, hands fisting into his jacket over the shoulders with desperate clinging fingers.

"I-I'm hot, I'm so _hot_, h-f-fires like _hell_." Cas panted deliriously. Dean flicked eyes up to his brother.

"Sam."

"Right." The taller man hastened to get out and get to the back of the car. They had a cooler in the trunk, small, but able to pack a couple of emergency beers and ice packs.

"Cas, its okay, alright, we're gonna cool you down, just hang in there." He stretched out to receive the first pack from Sam whilst trying to keep a hold on Cas' struggling, twisting form, fingers fisting for comfort in the leather jacket. The angel chocked out another sob between panting, pressing his head heavily into Dean's body.

He pressed the pack against the back of the heated neck and held it until Cas slumped completely and he had to drop everything to catch him.

"Jesus Christ." Sam awkwardly reached over to grab the ice pack and pressed it back to Cas' neck where his pulse was visibly jumping. Dean struggled to stroke his friend's hair back with one hand and dislodge the blankets with the other arm whilst Cas was still trying to grab at him, eyes tightly shut and face distressed.

Somehow Sam managed to get between them enough to unzip Cas' top and check the bandages were still intact before rubbing their second icepack over the angel's heaving chest. Dean fought underneath his brother, feeling stressed by all the limbs in the way and the fact that it made it that much harder to care for Cas, who was breathing like a racehorse and hot like one too. After much limb negotiation Dean managed to get his face above Cas', hands bracketing his friend's flushed cheeks.

"Hey, Cas, buddy look at me." Cas' wild eyes flew open and his own hands fumbled free of Dean's jacket and came to mirror the man's position on the face above him. "We've got you, we've got this…" Cas' water stained, red eyes looked up at him uncomprehendingly, pained, confused, pleading. Dean snuck a look back at Sam but couldn't see. Cas' hands were sweaty and shaking on his cheeks, eyes scared. Dean cursed softly with the realisation that wherever Cas was right now, it wasn't fully with him. He changed tactics. Meeting his friend's eyes he spoke very firmly and carefully, hoping to pass some assurance and sanctuary into the lost orbs beneath him.

"_I've_ got you. I'm here, Cas, and I'm not letting you go." Cas frowned at him, but at least seemed to _understand_ this time.

"D-Dea-ean."

"I'm here, I've got you buddy, wings halo and all. Not gonna let you get burnt. Not gonna let anyone hurt you, or anything. Not gonna let anything hurt my angel." The desperately thankful _love_ in his angel's eyes sold it for Dean. Sold him that he'd done right. Weak shaky fingers stroked his cheek before Cas' hands fell away, face crumpling into almost relieved but thankfully less panicky tears. His hands caught a few times down Dean's arms before dropping to his sides. Dean gulped, but kept his thumbs rubbing soothing circles around Cas' cheeks and temples until the angel started to calm beneath him.

"I've got you buddy. I've got you angel." He murmured to Cas lowly, seeing him relax further at the word 'angel', his breathing evening out into less frightening pants and falling into the grip of a lulling consciousness. The hunter could see his friend's pale lips moving almost soundlessly with every breath out. It took him a while and a second of careful listening to work out that Cas was saying 'Dean, Dean, Dean' repeatedly under his breath.

The whole agony and wonder of their time together crashed into Dean's body, leaving him feeling achy and exhausted, heavy limbed and as if his mind had been bludgeoned.

How the hell had they come to this… And why did it feel like their closest interaction to him? Why did it seem to matter just as much as averting the apocalypse, betrayals and redemptions… What the hell kind of turns had they taken in their lives to end up here, right now, like this?

Two friends clinging to each other in the backseat of his trusty car on the road to nowhere in the middle of the night… Just him his brother and his angel…

Why did he feel so good and mentally weightless even if he was tired like the dead?

His hand brushed over Castiel's sweaty hair as the angel's mouth stopped moving except to pant in sleep. Maybe it was because in this moment, right here, that was all that had mattered, that they were there and reaching for each other and for once maybe managing to grab a hold at the same time.

He'd sure as hell never admit it to Sam, but this ordeal for all three of them might just be turning him into one hell of a sap. But then Sam still got scared of clowns. So he had that on him at least.

"Man I need a drink." Dean voiced instead of any of that. Sam, still poised awkwardly above him, paused for a moment before loosening a little like the tension had been cut from his bones too.

"Seconded."

With difficulty they detangled and gravitated out of the car. Sitting on the curb as the sky lightened from black to navy blue with a hint of dawn lacing the horizon, Dean felt exhausted, but somewhat more okay than he had been since coming back from purgatory. Certainly since Cas had come back.

"So, guess we can add fever delirium to the list of symptoms now. At least that means his body's fighting back." Sam took a swig as he announced this and Dean glanced over a little, leaden limbs barely managing to lift bottle to mouth without a concentrated effort.

"Was that what it was." Dean commented, pulling a thoughtful face. "Makes sense." Sam shrugged.

"I guess so, at least, he seemed to think he was still in hell… rescuing you." Dean didn't look over, favouring the grass rather than the weight of his brother's stare. "Do you actually remember any of it?" Here he glanced over with a squint but raised eyebrow.

"What, hell?"

"Getting out." The older brother fiddled with his bottle for a while finally looking up at the horizon.

"No. Not a damn thing." Sam hummed in acknowledgement, shifting his own bottle before a swig.

"Did you never ask?" Dean scoffed and turned to Sam properly.

"Do you remember Cas back then man? 'Gripped me tight and raised me from perdition' was his way of giving a full description. Besides, doubt it was anything particularly inspiring from my point of view… Ball of light, burning? Rush of air? Who knows? Doubt it was the whole choir and bells thing y'know?" Sam huffed a laugh briefly.

"Yeah. No, probably not." They sat in silence whilst they drank the rest of the beer. After nursing the drinks for a while they clambered back in the car and set off on their way.

_**=BREAK=**_

They let Cas sleep in the back, ignoring water stops until reaching the boarder to Oklahoma. Without sound medical advice, the brothers had decided that letting the angel sleep was going to be better for him. Dean was counting down the hours until they reached New Orleans now just because they could get Cas set up in a motel for the duration of the hunt. By the time they stopped just outside a place called Perry, they were about 12 hours out from their destination.

Factoring in Cas breaks and maybe another long break or a sleep break if they didn't manage to take turns whilst the other drove, that was another full day and a half probably.

Never had it taken longer to reach somewhere, but Dean had gotten into the motion now.

They stopped and stretched their legs for a moment before heading on back to Cas. He was still running a fever, and nearly had a panic when Sam went to give him water after Dean coaxed him awake… But what could they do? Sam just had the knack for it now, and if Dean let Cas clutch his hand like a lifeline and talked him through it then they could manage a few sips at a time. He was still having swallowing issues, which didn't help. Sam suspected that he'd forgotten the ability to swallow, going back into 'factory settings' of an angel: don't need to eat or drink; don't need to know how.

Either way, after the first three sessions of one gulp apiece, Cas had evidently gotten either the hang of it or the thirst for it, and took to guzzling down water like a beached fish. Sam controlled how much he drank in order to avoid more throwing up. The whole process meant that until Cas' thirst was satisfied they spent 45 minutes loitering in a lay by.

Sam then took a walk to shake out some stress to the nearest gas station or store to get them some more water. Dean took a nap with Cas. He would swear up and down from here to hell that he didn't spend any of it awkwardly holding the angel's hand in order to feel his pulse beating on, and luckily woke up before Sam arrived back thanks to the crunching of gravel.

Restocked, they continued with Sam driving until Purcell, thankful that Cas didn't wake whilst they were stuck in early commute traffic and airport transport around Oklahoma City.

"Alright Cas. Round two… Or whatever." Dean mumbled as he got out, stretching his arms. Sam rolled his shoulders out and they circled round to the back of the car. Upon opening the door, Cas' eyes struggled to prise open with a few failing attempts. Dean crouched down in front of him, hopefully.

"Hey Cas, how're you doing? Been awake for a while huh?" Cas met his eyes foggily, half lidded but still managing to hone in on Dean in the same way that he'd managed to tune out Sam. Dean felt a bit bad about that, but he understood coping mechanisms as well as the next person, and Sam understood them maybe even better after his year with Lucifer.

"I'mm nuh-" Cas broke off from his soft voice to cough weakly and raggedly. Dean stood and snapped his fingers over the car with a gesture and Sam chucked him a water bottle. Crouching back down the hunter eased Castiel's head up and helped him slurp down some gulps of water messily. Dean cut him off before too long, slowing down to short sips. It was much easier getting Cas to drink when he was awake and semi lucid.

"You doing okay in the car?" Cas nodded in a vague lolling motion, panting softly. Sam came around the car with a watery but cool ice pack and Cas moaned plaintively when Dean pressed it to his forehead. "Do you need us to stop more?" The angel shook his head loosely, working his way a little to lean further into the cool compact. Dean frowned a little.

"Cas?" Weak eyes fought to meet his again. "You sure man? You really don't look good." There was a barely functional nod, exhausted and floppy. Dean didn't like it. The limp compliance was such a polar opposite of Castiel. Even yesterday he'd shown some action even if it had been stress induced.

"You gonna keep hanging in there for me?" Another fatigue-stunted nod. Breathing in deeply through his nose, Dean stood. Sam was next to him, watching but with a face lined with the shadows of tiredness.

"Do we keep going?" Sam asked, clearly getting antsy with exhaustion. Dean sighed and nodded, running a hand through his hair swiftly.

"I'm just worried that he wont ask us to stop if he really needs it." Sam nodded jerkily, Dean could see a crank-attack coming a mile off with his brother, and wanted it averted, with a slap on the shoulder he nodded Sam towards the passenger seat. "Go on, take a break, I've got the next leg. I can handle this for now."

Sam looked set to argue for a moment before simply nodding gratefully and rubbing his eyes, heading for the passenger seat. Dean sat back down by Cas, whose eyes slanted open when his shoulder was nudged.

"Hey, you want any more of this?" Dean rattled the water bottle temptingly. Cas looked on vaguely, eyelids drooping, and seemed to breathe out a shrugging answer.

Dean waited for the remaining fifteen minutes till it was time to move on, alternating between walking laps of their lay by and coaxing Cas to take whatever small sips of water he could manage. With time up, he bent down again and straightened Cas' clothes a little, letting him keep the second ice pack on his neck and putting the first back in the cooler.

"You'll let me know if you need a break right? Or if you get too hot or cold?" Another weak, pained nod. "Good. You're doing really good. Not too much further now."

Sam was snoring in the front when they set off. Dean kept an eye on the mirror, to keep tabs on Cas. Rain begun pattering against the windscreen with about as much energy as the younger Winchester was showing. If they weren't already making such terrible time Dean might have spared the energy to feel mulish about it, but as it was he just hoped the weather would be cooler for Cas. The angel managed to sleep for half an hour before beginning to shake and pant, body tossing in weak floppy movements.

"Cas? You okay? _Cas_." There was no response other than a stunted whine and squirm. Dean swore under his breath and pulled over five minutes down the road at a rest stop.

Sam managed to sleep like the dead as his brother went round to the angel carefully lifted him out of the car and carried his dead whimpering weight behind some trees.

The ground wasn't that wet yet, but once the angel felt the cool rain on his skin he moaned and stopped shifting quite so much. Dean made sure his bandages stayed dry and kept a check on his temperature. Too much time in the rain might cool him too much, but for now it was better than the two cool packs available. Cas drifted off into his own head for a bit, murmuring nonsense almost soundlessly. After twenty minutes, Cas' eyes opened and swam to his. There was no more clarity present, but Dean tried a smile anyway.

"Feeling better now?" He checked Cas' forehead and found him slightly cooler, if clammy. Cas watched him numbly, silently, until his eyes closed again with a huff of breath. "Can you keep going again?... Cas?" He received an incomprehensible noise that sounded just a bit too much like 'Dean' for him to believe it was anything other than recognition.

"Cas?" Yep. There was the same noise from a lax throat and parted, softly panting lips. "Alright." He decided, and once again hefted the angel's smaller body up. Carrying him solo was something of a test, but by now, Dean could tell that Cas was hardly a good weight, and thought the strain had more to do with his own fatigue than the angel's weight.

Cas couldn't even hold himself upright sitting anymore, with the exhaustion and lack of stomach muscles, it was all Dean could do to guide the sick angel into a hardly-controlled collapse over the back seats. The man took a moment to arrange limbs that weren't short enough to comfortably fit within the Impala and dabbed the angel mostly dry with a towel before getting back behind the wheel and heading on out.

All he could do was hope that the angel's fever had broken gently in the rain. Even if he'd gotten really ill, he was too weak to show it.

_**=BREAK=**_

Dean missed the next stop due to their earlier one, and regretted it once Cas began shivering in the back and turning to look for him blindly, reach for him.

"D-D-D-De-ea-n," Carefully, he stuck his hand back and managed to grab onto the angel's at the near whispered call.

"Yeah Cas?"

"'M-m cold." His eyes left the mirror where Cas was struggling to curl up again with a frown, eyes heavy and loose. Instead Dean scanned the road ahead.

"Alright, just a minute angel." Even Cas' new-found favourite word ceased to make Castiel feel better once Dean had to take his hand back in order to pull over and park a few bends down in the same pull over as a setting-up burrito van. The angel reached for where the hand had vanished with small noises of unease, eyes searching until Dean managed to stop and get round to the back.

"Here you go, yeah I know, I know." Cas's hands fumbled with his as Dean checked the angel's clothes were dry before pulling the blanket back over him. The rain had increased somewhat, and the man in the food van was looking at them funny as Dean sat out in the rain, crouched by Cas, and allowed his sick friend to cling weakly to his hand until the shivers exhausted him back to sleep.

Dean just barely escaped the downpour and hurried back inside the car just as the heavens opened. Cas made another distressed noise, tossing a little in his sleep, and Dean reached back and squeezed his shoulder for another five minutes until the shivering had eased off and the angel's movements had stilled.

When Sam grumbled awake Dean started their trek once more, relieved from his angel-care duties by Sam, who reached back instead to try rubbing circles over Cas in a rhythmic, soothing manner, quelling the last remaining stirs of restlessness by the time they passed by Denton, Texas.

_**=BREAK=**_

Their drive was relatively silent for about an hour, relative being that Cas didn't start screaming and thrashing. Sam watched Dean have to grit his teeth and attempt to focus on the lunchtime traffic around Dallas whilst the angel in the back seat occasionally made sounds like he was rattling his last breath. By the time they made it out to Mesquite, Dean pulled over first chance he got.

Sam felt slightly better for a short sleep, but his very bones were rattling tight with concern for Cas. And watching him and Dean together was nearly downright heartbreaking. Castiel didn't seem to want anyone but Dean, the older Winchester waving his brother off when Sam suggested taking a turn Cas-calming.

Dean got out and traipsed to the back of the car looking like death warmed up. Sam watched from the back as his brother knelt down and crouched by Cas, lifting a hand to card through his best friend's sweat sticky hair.

Cas managed to breathe in easier and whispered Dean's name with barely any sound, leaning into the touch. Sam could just about hear what Dean said back to his angel, to keep going, to stay with him, because 'I need you, man'… but listening felt like intruding and left him feeling twisting inside with anxiety.

Just what would it do to Dean if Cas were to die here, in their backseat?

Sam took the chance to go on back to Castiel when Dean wandered off to hit the head, running a hand through his hair and over his mouth in a habit of stress. The taller Winchester sat beside Cas and took his pulse, feeling the unhealthy flutter weak and thready as ever. With a sigh Sam turned to look out at the grey clouds.

"You've gotta pull through Cas… You just have to. He can't make it without you, not like he should. Dean needs you, he always will. Hell maybe we both do." When he turned back, Sam was a little startled to see Cas meeting his eyes with an at least barely lucid look in his blue eyes. Other than the scrap of life, Cas looked dead already.

"Sam," The word was breathed out and a little desperate. Sam shifted into gear.

"Hey Cas, what do you need?" A pained frown closed Cas' eyes as he breathed for a moment, attempting to swallow dryly.

"Water." The word was cracked out and breaking with throat exertion. Sam hurried to grab a fresh bottle, but when he tipped it to Cas' lips it merely spilled out, the angel's head dropping to the side weakly.

"Cas, come on, you need to swallow." Sam coaxed. Cas dragged in a small, rough breath slowly before replying, voice barely audible and wrung out beyond belief.

"I can't." Sam watched with muted horror as Cas struggled to even draw breath. Options flashed through his head. Ice cubes would make Cas choke, if he was too weak to swallow would the force-drinking technique even work? Was a drip a good idea in any way shape or form? No, there was no way they could prevent air bubbles. And there was no way Sam was risking Cas on something like that.

"Okay, it's alright. I'm gonna try making you swallow alright, if you start to panic, just try and move or make a noise alright? Otherwise try and stay relaxed." Cas' nod was fractional at best. Sam removed his coat and folded it under the angel's floppy head to get a natural slope. With Cas' head supported he poured in a gulp of water and swiftly gently closed Castiel's mouth, rubbing his throat.

There was a slow half gulp, followed by another until the water was gone.

"Okay?" Sam asked, hand on the angel's shoulder. He received nothing in reply. Deciding that even if Cas was back asleep, he needed to drink, Sam coaxed more swallows out of him until a faint gleam of water glinted under dark eyelashes.

"You're doing good Cas, you're doing really good. So good angel." A harsher breath was the only indication that Cas was still with him, followed by another hitch that sounded suspiciously like 'Dean'. "I'll get him for you."

Sam looked up, keeping one hand on Cas, and encouraged Dean back, who looked sharply at him and hurried.

"He's just coming Cas." Sam soothed, attempting a small head massage until Dean plopped down.

"Hey buddy, I'm here." The piteous keen that escaped Cas' throat had Dean grasping for the angel's trembling fingers and bending over him in an awkward sort of blanket hug. "I'm here, I've got you, you're doing good buddy. Doing real good."

Sam could tell it was bad, because they'd both resorted to their 'keep the calm' voices employed for tragic cases and emergencies.

"He's dehydrating." Sam muttered. "Or just weak, I can't tell. I'm not sure what we can do." He stated it matter-of-factly for both their nerves, Dean didn't reply, and Sam politely looked away when his brother placed a kiss to his angel's hairline. This was starting to feel more and more like a deathbed. Dean waited a long time before replying.

"We'll stay here, long as it takes. We'll get him back on… we'll get him back."

"Yeah, okay." Sam answered slowly, quietly, measuring the subtle shake in his unmoving brother's voice, the tense line of his shoulders. "I'll leave you the bottle, he'll drink if you rub his throat, I'll see if I can fine anything else that might help."

"Yeah," Dean coughed a bit, roughly, and sat up long enough to grab the water bottle, "sounds good."

Sam nodded, pointlessly, and went off. His scan of the nearby gas station led to sports drinks, crackers, bananas, yogurt… He got a bit of anything that might help, swallowing down the shakes threatening to creep up on him.

He returned to find at least another couple of gulps of water gone and Dean shushing a coughing Castiel.

"Any better?" Sam asked. At least coughing showed life. Dean glanced at him.

"I don't know man. Hey, shh Cas, shh, easy." It took a minute for him to settle down. Sam was relieved to see no blood at least.

"Let me try? These drinks might help." Dean frowned dubiously but sat back. Sam was leaning forwards as a large white and red van pulled up to the gas and two guys got out to stretch their legs… an ambulance.

The two brothers looked at each other.

"Pretty illegal, Dean." Sam cautioned, though he didn't know why, he certainly didn't care about the illegality of it. Compared to some of the things they got up to, robbing an ambulance was relatively tame… but it felt more wrong somehow.

"Sam, Cas' done more for this place than anyone else on their list today… I doubt they're exactly planning on running into Oprah. Besides, they always carry spares!" Dean hissed back. Sam took a look, and back to his brother's hope-sparked eyes, and nodded.

"Lets do it."

Apparently, a smash and grab on an ambulance is sickeningly easy… That, or he was a more hardened criminal than he thought. Sam piled stuff into a bag as Dean kept look out and idled on the gas. He grabbed everything he could think of and more, making sure to leave a spare of everything for the sake of his conscience, and scrambled out.

He jumped into the car and they drove off without panic till speeding it ten minutes down the freeway, hearts pounding.

They didn't want to wait long with Cas' state, and managed to find a junkyard to hide amongst.

"Not exactly sanitary." Sam groused as they squished into the back together, in the foot wells, and shedded Cas of his jumper. Dean kept a hand on Cas' all the time, even though there was no response now bar the constant drag of breath and a twitch of white fingers.

"Its not like we have a choice here, Sam." Dean pointed out. Sam didn't bother to do more than shrug.

A quick youtube tutorial on the road had shown Sam hopefully all he needed to know… hopefully.

"Okay, left arm."

"You're not going to ask which one his smiting arm is?"

"No, I'm going to do exactly what the video said, and punch you in the face if you distract me again."

"…Point taken."

"Good, now shut up jerk."

"Bitch."

After their steam was blown off, Sam located the vein with Dean's aid, something easier said than done, and carefully inserted the needle. It was so thin Sam had worried about snapping it. IV done, he taped it in place and Hung it carefully on the window hanger, tying it on for good luck. The relief from seeing the drip start taking action was somewhat heady.

"Good. Good." Sam muttered nonsensically.

"Yeah." Dean agreed as they stared at the drip. "Man, if we get pulled over now-"

"Don't." Sam pleaded, holding up a hand. This was just one of many situations he did _not_ want to explain to the cops.

"Yeah, sorry. Thanks Sam." Dean met his brother's eyes briefly before Dean looked away.

"Hey, he's my friend too."

"I know, I know." Dean clapped Sam on the back slightly, and eased out of the car without dislodging the IV. "Right, lets just wait here for half an hour or so, tape the shit out of his arm so the car wont dislodge it, and then get our of here before anyone realises something is missing."

"Plan." Sam seconded, and rose to stretch his legs a bit.

In half an hour they secured the bag and Cas, who already seemed to be breathing a bit less raggedly, and set off.

_**=BREAK=**_

Dean stopped every half hour to check on Cas. Gradually the brothers noticed his breathing improving, colour returning from grey-translucent to pale but not deathly. As they reached near Shreveport, Louisiana in the early afternoon, they stopped for a longer break.

Having driven perfectly within the law, they hadn't made great time, and both Winchesters had been running on empty before they could reach a food joint.

Car parked, they grabbed take out and returned to Cas-guarding. The angel hadn't moved or woken since Mesquite, but Dean was riding the fragile hope that he was finally getting some decent sleep rather than slipping away. Sam went to check on the IV when he'd finished.

"There isn't any bruising yet, and the drip should last for another few hours. Should we stop somewhere for a while or do you want to head on?" Dean looked at his watch.

"We're what, five hours away now? I vote for pushing on. Longer we stay somewhere the more likely cops will spot the IV. And whilst Cas is sleeping…" Because the car still wasn't good for him, and his colour may have improved, but only to the point of when they'd been in Lindsborg. And it was even worrying that he hadn't woken up. But if they could get him down to New Orleans, set up in a motel, then by the time he'd come off the drip he'd be in relative comfort, at least.

"Hmm, good point." Sam stretched with a wide yawn. Dean was tempted to suggest they both catch some Z's here, but they could get caught too easily. They waited half an hour, and Dean let Sam sleep for the next stretch.

The post-work rush hour slowed their travel slightly, and Dean had half a mind to pull over and just let it pass, sunset creeping into the window adding to his fatigue, when there was the softest cough from the back.

"Dean," The hunter slowed down and turned around to see Cas, weak eyes were gazing at him vaguely from under half-mast lids. Dean's chest skyrocketed a bit in relief and dual concern that something was wrong again.

"Hey Cas. How're you doing?" He asked, voice a bit urgent yet attempting quiet and calm. Blue eyes fluttered with a steadying breath.

"C-can we p-pulover s-still?" Cas slurred with a fading voice.

"Yeah, of course we can." Dean replied instantly, and scanned for somewhere. There was a park coming up. "Five minutes, okay?" A stunted nod.

"Okay," Cas murmured. Sam roused when the car slowed down, and begun stretching as Dean got out and round to Castiel's head.

"Hey," Dean began, squatting down and meeting thoroughly sick and exhausted eyes. "What do you need buddy?" Cas's eyes drooped.

"J-jus' wan' some-air, th-the door-"

"Yeah, sure thing Cas." Dean replied, unhooking the IV carefully and taping it to the seat back before opening the door wide, Sam surreptitiously opened the door on the other side and a nice breeze started through.

Cas closed his eyes as the wind washed over him, ruffling his hair, and inhaled a shaky deeper breath.

Dean took a moment to lift and flick the blanket, airing it of stale air. Cas' eyes fluttered open to watch him with weak question.

"Trust me, it'll feel better." Cas' eyes swam off towards the sky. Dean and Sam watched as the angel stared unseeingly at the clouds, eyes slipping closed and breathing softening back into sleep. Together the brothers shared a glance.

Even with the IV, Cas was still too tired; he hadn't even tried to move.

They waited for another half hour before climbing back in the car. Sam took over and Dean tried to sleep, but couldn't. He kept hearing Cas become restless. The angel didn't move much, a simple shift of millimeters and hitch of breath; unable and unwilling to expend any energy he didn't have to.

They paused a couple of times for pit stops and Cas-checks, each time Dean went back there he found his friend slumped head to the side and barely able to peel his eyes open for longer than it took the green-eyed man to say 'nearly there Cas, you're doing good.'

At least, for the first time this trip, that was true.

Sam pulled over in the evening just outside of the town of Donaldsonville where they were headed, and removed Cas' IV. Dean ran a hand over Cas' hair and cheek, soothing him a little when he shifted at the change and stop, an aborted and cramped stretch almost like a cat.

"Ssh, welcome to New Orleans Cas." Dean murmured, attempting to coax Cas into a more awake state. "Just gonna stop by a motel now, then that's it, ten minutes and we're done. That's all buddy." Cas' eyes blurred over a bit.

"'Kay." He slurred, breathed out, eyes closing.

"Nearly over now, I swear." Dean squeezed Cas' shoulder solidly for a moment, and stood back up to drive the last way. Sam clambered in and they shared a look before setting off, both keen to reach a hotel, get Cas settled in and get a decent nights sleep before tackling cannibal grannies.

_**=Thanks for reading! Hope this chapter was ok, see you next time…=**_


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